bbykimmy

So let's talk about headspaces.

Headspaces can be the goal of power dynamic play (D/s, BDSM, CG/l, petplay, etc) - one partner has the power, the other partner has limited or no power.  I've written about this more than a little (and I'm sure I'll write more).  Headspace is that consuming feeling you get when you really give yourself to your role.  Domspace, subspace, littlespace, petspace - whatever your angle, if you're like me you're chasing the headspace.

Subspace is relatively easy for me to reach with a little help.  A play partner being stern or controlling sends me there really quickly - although I have to say that the person I play with the most lately gives me the most intense trip to subspace I've ever felt before.  When she takes charge, she becomes the singular focus of the entire world and I actually have trouble remembering or perceiving things while I'm there, it's like the whole world vibrates and buzzes.  It's quite amazing.

Petspace is really, really similar - it's submissive (for me) but animalistic at the same time, it has more of a sexual charge than subspace.  Subspace is all about feeling helpless, controlled, vulnerable, and maybe a little hopeless.  Petspace is about feeling devoted, desired, and entirely subhuman.  I can travel to either of these relatively easily with the right help.

But Littlespace... that's the hard one.  Littlespace is innocence and playfulness.  Littlespace is the absence of self-consciousness.  Littlespace is losing all of the inhibitions that keep you socially safe and trusting your dominant partner to handle you delicately, lovingly, sweetly.  The sort of treatment (e.g.: punishment) you'd give a bratty sub can shatter littlespace into a million pieces, it's a very fragile thing.

I hadn't gone to Littlespace in quite some time, maybe almost a year (CAPCon maybe?) - it's an ephemeral thing, it's hard to say precisely.  My trips there tend to be an hour or two at most, I have too much responsibility in my life to shirk it for long, and responsibility is anathema to Littlespace.

I've had a lot of stress, anxiety, and depression in my life lately.  Everything feels difficult, nothing is simple, nothing is easy.

I decided that I would try to take a trip to Littlespace on my own, just put on a diaper and a cute outfit, push my adult cares away for a little bit, and go color in a coloring book.  This doesn't usually last long for me.  I have to stop to do something, I have to take care of something or someone, I have to be RESPONSIBLE, even if it's just taking care of my own body.

I didn't yesterday, thanks to Pudding, Chloe, Sophie, and Ladybug.

Normally Littlespace doesn't last because I can't sustain it.  I get bored, I feel pressured to fix something or build something or do something or clean something.

Yesterday, my friends gave me a beautiful gift:  an entire day in Littlespace.

It started when I asked for breakfast.  Y'see, my Little age is 3.  It's very difficult to maintain that headspace as an adult, it's so fragile, like it's made of spiderwebs.  The faintest touch with put it into a tangled mess.  Just the act of making myself food is enough to pull me out of it.  I started the day off by writing in my diary, getting padded, getting dressed, and deciding:  as soon as I leave my room, I'm Little.

Normally I have several hours alone in the mornings on the weekend - everyone but me likes to sleep in (I can't, I've tried; it doesn't work).  So I grabbed a coloring book and my box of markers and I sat down to color some flowers.  Pudding joined me after a short while... and I asked her if she'd make me breakfast.

And she did.

She reinforced my little place, she brought me a bowl of cereal with a child's spoon shaped like an airplane, she fed me a few bites and then put the TV on cartoons for me.  I didn't have to get up, I didn't have to do anything, I could be completely devoid of responsibility for just a bit longer.  I colored, I asked her childish questions about her favorite colors and the kinds of flowers she liked.  I asked her if I could use her DS and play Pokémon - I haven't played Pokémon since Red/Blue in the 90s, I just never had time.  Too busy, too much responsibility.  I had tried to get into it before, but it felt bad to do it alone... that's a whole 'nother story.

She said yes, and she spent HOURS looking for her DS, charger, and the Pokémon game, just for me.  I offered to help and she told me to sit and color and make pretty pictures for her while she got everything working.

Here's the thing - I didn't know it took hours.  I was so deep in Littlespace that time ceased to have meaning.  I purposefully left my phone in my room.  There was no clock to betray me, just coloring books and cartoons.  I didn't clean up my breakfast, I just put the bowl aside and colored.

She loaned me... or rather Little Kimmy... her DS and Pokémon Heart Gold and I started playing.  But at this point, I was so deep in Littlespace that I wasn't even really me any more.  I played for HOURS, collecting Pokémon and trying for badges.

I don't name my Pokémon, I never have, not ever.  I always leave their names alone so they change when they evolve, so I always know what to call them when talking to others.

My team?  A Chikorita named "Chicky", a Geodude named "Rockface", a Caterpie named "Squigglee", a Bellsprout named "Belle♥", a Togepi named "Tamago", and a Pidgey named "Flapflap".  All girls except for the Chikorita.  I don't name Pokémon but apparently Little Kimmy does.  And I remember being SO PLEASED with those names.  I remember being SO PROUD when I got that first badge.

I've talked about this briefly before:  when you're Little, feelings are bigger.

Pudding skirted a couple of dangerous patches over the course of the day.  While I was coloring, she asked me a question:

"What's your favorite day that you've had?" she asked me while she looking for her DS charger.

"My favorite day ever out of all the days?" my Little self asked in return.

"Well," she smiled, "your favorite day that you can remember."

And I thought about all the days I've lived recently and I thought about how none of those could be my favorite, how they're all coated in sadness and stress, even the happy memories came with rough patches to the day, and I started to fall apart.

"I can't remember a good day," my Little self said with a voice full of heartbreak.  I remember feeling despair welling up inside me, I remember tears burning the backs of my eyes.  I remember my chest tightening and my whole body threatening to cry at once.

She had me show her my flowers, the ones I had been coloring, she made me talk about the colors I picked and asked me which flower was my favorite.  She pulled me out of a tailspin before I crashed.  She handled me this way all day, coddling me, prompting me, entertaining me, cuddling me, playing with me, asking me questions and telling me how proud she was of me.

She kept me in the deepest Littlespace I've ever been in - in my entire life - for THIRTEEN HOURS.  Not alone, everyone pitched in.  I said that I was thirsty so Chloe got me a drink.  I wanted to show off my Pokémon so Sophie asked me questions about them and told me how good I was doing.  I wanted to show off my coloring so Ladybug looked and told me what I great job I did.

I was so deep in Littlespace that parts of it are hard to remember, like it was all lived by someone else.  I couldn't sleep that night (even though I got sent to bed before midnight... Pudding let me take the DS to bed and I pretended to be asleep when she checked on me at midnight) and finally, at like 3 in the morning, it occurred to me why.

My body shuts down at midnight every day lately, I just "power down".  I get super sleepy, I go to bed, and I pass out.  It's one of the reasons I snap awake between 8 and 9 each morning no matter what.  But yesterday...

Yesterday was the first stress-free day that I can remember in my adult life.

It was amazing, it was magic, and it was the best gift they could have every given me.  There were other emotional pitfalls I almost fell into during the day, but every time I came close Pudding would catch me and steer me back toward a happy place with a silly question or a kiss on the forehead.

There's a lot about my Little self that I don't know yet.  I've never really gotten a chance to let her loose before, to really BE her for more than an hour at a time.

Until yesterday.

Which is now my favorite day that I can remember.