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nitewets

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  1. NOW WHAT?

    I was asked an interesting question today: “Now what?” I’m not sure, I hadn’t really thought about the ‘Now What?’, of becoming incontinent. I’m not sure that I’m really ‘there’ yet either. You see, since last summer, I’ve been wrestling with wanting to become incontinent at the same time that I was wrestling with even wearing diapers. I was trying not to wear diapers, but seldom going more than a few weeks before I would be another package of diapers to wear for the days that they lasted. The purchase was always prompted by the same feeling, having to hold as I struggled to find a washroom, waited on a bus, sat in a theatre, while shopping or evening writing as I am now. Not infrequently, it would be the need to poo and as I strained to hold, the freedom of diapers to just keep on would entice me back. Diapers are expensive, some $20 CDN for only 12, which, if I was careful and ‘enjoyed’ judiciously might last a week. From prior issues, I pee often but small amounts. I might wet 4 or 5 times in the early morning. To stay dry and change after wetting just wasn’t affordable. I wished that it were. In the right diapers, I could spend the night in bliss, waking wet in the morning with barely a recollection of stirring during the night. 

    For a few years now, I’ve known that my disability support for depression would also cover diapers if there was full-time dependence, temporary or permanent. It was necessary to specifically request them from my counsellor. Over and over I shied away from asking. Finally, I found the courage to ask for the forms—Support for Medical Necessities; Incontinence. They stayed on my desk for over a year. When I fell back into diapers last summer, the desire to accept incontinence reappeared. I get a lot of UTIs. Have for years. As a transwoman after vagioplasty (gender reassignment surgery) it comes with my vagina. During those times, I am effectively incontinent, so there’s an established need. As I’ve spoken of elsewhere, I finally asked my doctor to sign off on diapers. He presumed temporarily during a UTI, but again, I was finally able to say that I liked being in diapers although I didn’t quite get to the admission of being AB./DL. I did ask that I be considered fully incontinent.

    The forms have been send and diapers are on their way. To get by, I purchased diapers from the pharmacy, and yesterday afternoon became the ‘start’ of incontinence. Now, nearly 9:00 pm, I’ve spent my first full day without regard to how many diapers I’ve required, simply allowing each wetting as it occurred. There’s a momentary sense of imminence, then I wet. Somehow, I’ve completely changed in these few hours. Is this incontinence? Now what?

    I still wonder about the coming moment, whether night or day, when I don’t sense that I’m about to wet. That sense, separates me from truly being incontinent. I hold it as an opportunity to pull back from my choice. In the last few years, I’ve had more than a few accidents, not infrequently in public but never on full display. Just the other night, walking my dog in the chill evening air on the street, I sensed too late and wet myself quite noticeably. It was the furtherest point of the walk and I had to walk back down the street in obvious wet leggings. So, “Now what?”

    It’s not lost on me that allowing myself to drift into incontinence—potentially permanently as my doctor emphasized, now what? As I’ve been typing away, I’ve dribbled and wet. At this very moment, I’ve begun again just that easily and even at the risk of wetting the bed I’m typing on, It is that simple, Already I have to think about not wetting otherwise I do. Now what? Well, I guess I need a change.

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Wannatripbaby

      Wannatripbaby

      What now? Now you continue on with your life with one less source of stress to deal with. You fought the incontinence fight for many years. but now the cost of war has begun to far outweigh the price of surrender. Plus by admitting "defeat" your insurance will start paying for the diapers you know you both want and need. ♡

    3. nitewets

      nitewets

      Youre a pet. Luv ya.

    4. snobak

      snobak

      Love ya Hope you can now live happy ever after and get everything you desire out of life  :)

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