You sound in ways like me, I can't wear the nice girly stuff that I want, being married for so many yrs I have been adding a item at a time, I now wear women's leggings in the evening I have silky underwear, I have had some yard sale one piece swim suits but they didn't fit, I keep teasing my wife when we are shopping as I handle the women's skirts?? and she just laughs so I may get there,, but I do enemas every night 4 qt warm water, and then play with a silicone dildo in both ends at the same time, and wishing I had it for real, but cheating is not right, so I haven't pursued it, my wife and I get along mostly real good I mean 30 plus yrs you get used to each other, and we both gave up on sex back in 2010 ish after we were both done with our cancer...so we have our toys and move on....