dl_ashlee

I'm AuADHD and Aromantic, so that's not necessarily true. Though I'm certainly not sharing it with vanilla friends, but I have some very close kink friends, who we trust each other with our deepest desires, those are the people who get to know me on that level. Generally other people with ASD as our minds think alike and can be frank without getting emotional. I have kink friends that don't need to know this information either though as I have different kinks and I don't find it necessary to always include my middle/DL side in kink play.

Wish I had someone to try both with them, been spanked, but not as a "baby", no one knows of this kink of mine.

Being transgender, my chosen name means a lot to me as I feel like it allows me to be the "authentic me" in life. When I was choosing a name, I first tried Ashlee, as you can see that's my username on here, but after 6 months or so of using it just didn't feel "right". I did sort of pick it as I had a crush on a girl in high school named Ashlee and I wanted to look as beautiful as her. So after a lot more going through names and deciding on a final chosen name, it came down to 2, Sophie and Hailey. I think I sort of went with Sophie as its more uncommon and I didn't have any Sophie in my life or in media that I "looked up to", so I felt like it was a "clean slate" to make "Sophie" be whoever she wanted to be. Though now that I've found who the "authentic me" is, I'm starting to feel like I may like using Hailey more, but I've now been using it for 2 years and so most people know me as Sophie, so not sure if I will ask people to start calling me something else again. I haven't legally changed it yet, so maybe I make Hailey my middle name? At some point it does just seem like a name "becomes" your name, so I kind of feel like even though I do like Hailey, Sophie is now just "me". I really don't even think about it anymore when people say Sophie or I tell food service my name. I do have to remind myself to not look around anymore when I hear my dead name, no they are absolutely not calling me when some random person in a food place says my old name as at this point I'm just another cis woman to people, who knew 2.5 years on HRT and I'd be living a stealth life as a trans woman.

Being transgender I sometimes wish I grew up as a girl in society, but also my whole journey has made me who I am today and I know had a grown up being seen as a girl that I wouldn't have had the opportunities very likely that I was afforded by being seen as male for 36 years in society. What I did have until age 10/11 was the neighbor girls were my friends and I wore tutu's, we played dress up, did skits on my mom's "home video recorder camera" on vhs and then the mini tapes when they came out. One of their mom's was a clown and she would make costumes that we would wear for these skits. My mom was always an avid outdoors person, so we went camping/hiking the whole time I grew up and so besides probably the fact that I would have worn some different clothing had I been seen as a girl, those activities wouldn't have changed. She was a single mom and my dad wasn't in the picture. Other activities that wouldn't have changed was my toy cars and science kits. I may have not played video games with the other boys had I been seen as a girl at that point, but video games were an interest of mine and my grandma was into NES, so me being into them probably wouldn't have changed. My mom wanted me to try everything and not be constrained by societies thoughts on what are girl/boy activities, so until age 10-12, when the world really starts to separate out boys and girls, I got the best of both worlds and most my "good friends" were girls, played with the boys some, but I got along with the girls much better, that should have been a big clue that I was transgender, but really until about 2010, there wasn't much "good public media" on those who are transgender. Meaning that pretty much all media I saw in the 90's/early 2000's was making fun of deviant transvestites/transgenders. I do think a major shift was seen when I saw Laverne Cox being a role model on TV of just a transgender woman who lives as an actual woman and isn't an outcast of society. I think that's when I started to realize that this wasn't just a fetish for me and I was a "crossdresser", but I was a woman trapped in a mans body and I could actually possibly transition and live a relatively normal happy life as a transgender woman, not one of those sexual deviant "transgenders" on the Jerry Springer Show. Christine, love that you're so passionate about your version of being a little girl in the 40s/50s, but I think you have to realize the other girls versions of say my era of being a little girl in the 80s/90s is just as valid. I think you are finding that your version of being a little girl is very niche and that's why not very many of us relate to your posts, nor answer them. I see that one here that posted is near my age and then another much younger in her 20s and certainly her version of growing up as a little girl in the early 2000s is even different then mine in the late 80s/early 90s. I think if you're only posting things about being a little girl in the 40s/50s you're going to keep having very little discussion in the Little Girls Playhouse. I can only imagine what growing up as a little girl in the 2020s is like now, sure there's still cultural biases of boy vs girl things, but even since I grew in in the 80s/90s its so much more acceptable for girls to pretty much do anything boys do growing up. So their "Little Girls Playhouse" version is much more open then even what I saw as my "Little Girls Playhouse" in the 80s/90s.

What brand/model are your daytime diapers?

I wish I had a mommy to change me, I'm sure its an amazing bonding experience to be taken care of in that way.

For whatever reason its been something that has also been an interest of mine since I was about 11 years old. I thought my egg cracking and transitioning from male to female at age 36 (39 now, 40 in April, but only been about a year since others no longer see me as visually trans), would allow me to move on from this kink. It didn't do that, but it did allow me to not necessarily be engulfed by my kink and have it as something just to de-stress and act little when I'm feeling overwhelmed. Through my transition I also learned I'm autistic, so something like this makes even more sense as to why I have this kink. Also just realized being autistic is very likely why I bite my nails as its an oral fixation I've always had.

I left these forums when I discovered I was a trans woman. I thought I had left this part of me behind, mostly as I was ashamed of it and thought my external and social transition would put this behind me. Until I started to explore other kink and found out that the kink community does accept ABDL as part of the community. I went to Dark Odyssey a kink conference, where I found they had workshops including ABDL and play spaces for little's. Though I didn't engage at that point, it got me thinking that maybe I shouldn't be so ashamed of that part of me and one day meet some other little's in person. Then I went to Folsom Street Fair in SF, where again it felt very accepted by the kink community and I didn't feel like a "freak" anymore. I've bought some Bellismo diapers and they've had a nice calming effect after work and weekends when I have time to engage. Realizing there is an actual community I'd like to go to some meetups now. I don't want it to be life style, but it can be a nice way to de-stress when I'm feeling stressed by my adult life. I'm certainly more a kid then a toddler/baby. I've had bowel leaking issues my whole life, enough to have stains in my underwear and sometimes a bit more. So I'd say my age is 7-12 years old and needing diapers due to being incontinent. Probably some of it has to do with me realizing I'm transgender, so I feel like I want to engage at that age as a girl rather then a boy, though I don't subscribe that certain activities are specific to gender. Plenty of girls today love playing with cars, science kits, video games, women are going into STIM fields today. Going to kink events has shown me that no matter your kink you shouldn't be ashamed and there is a community of kinksters that will accept you for it. I love how the newer kink events really make it clear that people are not to kink shame others, no matter their kink. Online you don't get that feeling, but these in person events have really changed my outlook on my diaper/adult kid kink and allowed me to accept that part of me as something not to be ashamed of, but to be embraced as long as its not interfering with being a responsible independent adult for me. Not to say that for others it isn't fine if they decide to engage in a AK/AB lifestyle with a partner that has agreed to take care of being the adult and taking care of you completely. I'm all for anyone who decides that a kink lifestyle is for them, its just not for me. I want to thank a person I had an amazing summer camping/hiking with and we had long conversations and revealed parts of ourselves, few others get to see. They had no idea I was anything but a cis woman and she confided in me that she's been in sex work since a young age and still makes their living doing it. They also told me about their kinks and told me about the Dark Odyssey kink conference and we went to Folsom Street Fair together. Though they decided to cut ties as they are "to busy", but would contact me if they have time to meetup in the future. Though they don't currently have time for me and may not decide to continue our friendship, if an when they have more time that I'll be forever grateful to them for opening me up to this world that I didn't know existed and thus allowing me to not be ashamed of my kink, but to embrace it.

In my teens it started off as completely sexual. As I got older it became less sexual and more comfort. Pacifiers and onesies and such were comforting to be reminded of those times when you didn't have to worry about anything as you're mom did that all for you. I had fantasies of being held by a mom and being breast fed, also getting my diapers changed. Although I'd not be into her treating me like a baby or me acting like one. BDSM is completely separate from this side of me. Some light pain can really intensify sexual experiences, such as being spanked (for pure pleasure, not anything to do with being an ABDL). Along with being tied up and "not having control" over what my partner is doing to me, but its very much "light bdsm", its all about increasing sexual pleasure. I had the balls removed 3 weeks ago, so things are still in flux. I have waves of sexual intensity. Also the incision is still very much healing, so even though I've orgasmed several times since the surgery, I have to be careful down there still. I don't see it so much as holding off as having nostalgia about something that once brought me comfort. Transition has changed me in so many ways that I'm barely the same person I was before transition. So even though I'm nostalgic about it, I don't feel doing it now would even bring the same comfort to me that it did pre-transition.

I'm in similar, but slight different boat. Its actually been about 3 years since I stopped wearing and haven't really thought about it, until I saw an email from bambino the other day. I think more out of nostalgia I can back to check on the forums and such, I have checked out some sites like once or twice a year since stopping, but really didn't feel the need to go back to wearing. I should say I'm also MtF and my egg cracked about 3 years ago, which is also when I stopped wearing. So there's no question being that transition has pretty much nullified my cravings to wear diapers. Although for some stress relief, role playing a nurturing mommy with me as the baby could be nice, every now then. Was sucking my girlfriends nipples the other day and it reminded me of that. I was wondering if anyone else had posted on this issue. I've been on HRT for a year and 3 months, but started dressing/transitioning pre-HRT about 3 years ago. Got an orchiectomy two weeks ago. Might some day get zero depth SRS, but removal of the testes has made a world of difference. HRT has made me more horny in a vanilla way with my girlfriend (she's 8 months on HRT also MtF). She's certainly totally vanilla, I'm on the "very light BDSM" side of kink. I don't want to ruin the relationship, so I'd never tell her about me being an ABDL in the past, its not who I am now. No shame to anyone who indulges in this DL fetish or ABDL lifestyle, its just not really necessary for me anymore. It helped me cope over the years a whole lot, so I have no ill feelings towards it.

You might not be able to smell it, but the longer you're in wet diaper the more apparent it will become to others that you "smell". People that medically need them get changed asap once it is wet/dirty. People will appreciate you not offending their noses a lot more then they will worry about you going to the bathroom to change every 2-4 hours depending on how much you drink. For the ABDL it might be fun to be in a wet/messy diaper, but really once it gets wet/dirty it should be changed within the hour.

Just wanted to update my thoughts. First before I even think about transitioning, I have to loose weight. I know its part of my body dysphoria. I've been making healthy life choices to help this issue. I never ate veggies and had mostly a high protein meat based diet. I've gone mostly vegetarian. I still eat some chicken/fish (probably once a week). Now my staples are brown rice/beans/potatoes. Slowly introducing different veggies to my diet, until I acquire a taste for them. Avacados are great to get good fats in your diet (since rice/beans/potatoes are low fat foods, you still need fat in your diet). Going to start going for daily walks and loose weight by eating less calories then I burn. Might look at doing the gym thing to loose weight faster, but unsure of that right now. I did do a while back weight watchers and lost weight basically by just eating less calories per day then a normal person would (1600cal/day vs 2000cal/day if I wasn't trying to loose weight). After researching HRT, I do have a few concerns. One is loosing strength, I'm the one that people give jars to open that they can't and not sure how I feel about that if I loose that strength to do so. Also I do carry boxes of network cable/ladders etc for cabling as an IT Manager. Is it just that the people I hear talking about loosing strength are already these petite people that probably didn't have very much muscle in the first place. Our family is pretty muscular and for her size she has had more strength then most. I will be looking at least having my facial hair removed, even as a male, never liked having facial hair. Tried having a goatee a few times, never feels like "me". I've started wearing light mineral foundation, along with using products to keep my facial skin in better shape. I have always had dry skin/eczema and found wearing foundation now is giving me acne. So now I'm having to find products to rid me of acne and still wear the foundation. I've bought hypoallergenic foundation after using bare minerals that started to give me really bad acne. It has helped, but I just started using some other acne products to help clear up the few I still am getting. Certainly having acne, when I never did doesn't help with the body dysphoria.

Been watching a lot of trans videos and some heavy thought about if I feel that I was born with the wrong parts down below. I'm not convinced that I would be happier having a vagina downstairs at this point. What I have decided is gender roles suck and I'm probably more non-binary, than trans. I've never been into girly hobbies that most the transwomen who know from an early age that they were born with the wrong parts. Cars and computers have been my hobbies, although I'm not good at them I enjoyed sports, both baseball and basketball. All of which society has decided they are male hobbies and not female. All I do know is putting on a wig, makeup and a dress makes me feel good when looking in the mirror. Am I a century or two ahead of society? If the future is a genderless society, bathrooms would be split between if you have a penis or vagina, not how you dress. All other animals walk around in their birthday suits, they have no concept of gender. And their are plenty of of examples that some animals do want to have sex with the same sex. Of course they have no choice to change their sex, nor change how they dress. So they only know they are attracted to others with the same sex or opposite sex or they may not care which sex they have sex with. Imagine if everyone walked around in their birthday suit, which would you be attracted to, for that situation to me its clear I would choose my mate to be a person who has the features a person with a vagina would naturally develop into having, but it doesn't matter to me if that originally had those features or not (nor if down below they have a vagina or penis as long as they present as on the outside as looking female). Probably due to society and not my upbringing I always have tried to hold back any emotions as I didn't think it was manly to do so. At 35 I'm realizing why do I need to hold on to that gender stereotype. And its feeling great to allow myself to cry when watching emotional TV shows. For now I think I could be happier not exactly presenting myself in the world as female, but doing small things emotionally and physically that make me happy. Things like getting facial hair removal and allowing myself to do and feel things society deems to be a female norm. If the US ever becomes more progressive like Sweden then I probably would wear dresses, grow my hair long, wear makeup and if we truly ever get to a genderless society get myself some breasts. I don't feel I need to change how I talk or sound female just because society deems that presenting yourself as female requires these things. My voice is "me", either way if I present as female or male. Although none of that answers the question of if I would be happier having an innie rather then an outie. At this point I'm not sure and its not because of the gender constructs we have laid out in modern society. Although I never plan to have kids, the thought of never being able to produce offspring if some day I changed my mind that I wouldn't be able to do so without banking sperm and then I would only have a finite number of tries to get someone pregnant. I try to imagine waking up with a flat part down there and how I would feel if one day I woke up without a penis one day. And at this point I couldn't tell you one way or another if that would make me happier. Say I only got the SRS down below but did not change how I presented myself to the world. Of course having no T would mean I would naturally start to have softer more womanly features. Would having a vagina but still presenting as male make me a happier more content person? I don't know if I can answer this question until I am not a virgin and experiment to find out if not having a penis would make sex more enjoyable for me Of course with no T it generally makes sex less important. Would having less sex drive make me a happier person? Another one I can't seem to figure out yet. And is my lower sex drive just because I've been doing it alone now for around 22 years and its just no longer exciting? I certainly want to start meeting up with some LGBTQ groups in my area to explore more of my gender roles and what makes me happy. Along with hopefully finding others to go out with dressed and present as females. It seems like a good way to find out how I feel presenting as a women in pubic and in a safer group outing.

I have the Norelco Bodygroom 3100, it doesn't shave as close as a razor would, but I don't have to worry about nicks. I had a few when I was using razors. And yuck, can't every go back to a "bush." Also all that hair traps smells, so makes you more stinky.

I7-4790, 16GB, R290, 512GB SSD OS Drive, 2TB SSD for Games (grabbed it when they were normally going for $450, got it for $300), 512GB SSD for extras (was my games drive previously). It's in a Corsair Air 240 case. LG 29" Freesync ultrawide and a 27" Viewsonic secondary monitor (also Freesync, got it before the ultrawides were the thing to have), both mounted to the wall. Had a Logitech Brown Mech Keyboard, but it died on me, found an "AZIO" Mech keyboard on sale, gave it a chance and its been in use now about 6 months. Been through both a G700 and a G700S wireless mice, both lasted about 1.5 years before the middle click stopped working. Getting another G700/S was to expensive (got the previous 2 at ~$50 on sale), found the G602 on sale, so grabbed it, hoping this one doesn't have the same middle click failure. Just replaced my Corsair Vegance 2000 wireless headset as they were well worn. Got the Steelseries Arctis 7 on sale for $99, if you want all day/night wireless gaming headset, these are it as I haven't actually tested them in a single session, but they claim 24hr battery. They have yet to die on me in a single night gaming session (longest session is probably about 8 hours). 12U rack, that houses my 4U Unraid NAS (18TB and an external 8TB backup drive, most my TV/Movie media I don't consider important enough to backup), my main computer and a Cisco 24 port PoE managed gigabit switch (got 2x of them free from work), a PieHole, need to run cabling up to my room to move the ER-X and modem to the rack (also the modem specific UPS that allows me 4 hours of internet when the power goes out). Also need to reorganize the rack, so I can fit the UPS on it. Our townhouse is only 1000sqft, so a single UAP-AC-LR covers the house (mounted in coat closet as its pretty much dead center of the house. The Unraid NAS houses dockers that include Plex, SABNZBd, Sonarr, UniFi controller, Crashplan Pro, OpenVPN server and several others I don't keep always running, use them as needed. It also runs some VMs for testing purposes. Last tech thing I can think of right now is I have a Pixel 2 XL.