41 replies to this topic

[rosalie.bent]

ive been on the other side of the fence as the wife that learns about my hubby's baby side. My first comment is that it is very very hard for a partner who has zero idea what AB is all about and so it can be a shock to some and others just consider it a kink and nothing more. But I get pretty angry at partners who refuse to even consider it or wont even discuss it. That is a very poor effort. Loving partners always have to deal with aspects of the other person that are less than we want. That's just life. I know that some people simply cant cope with AB behaviour but the real problem is that most dont even try. I was raised to belief that 'love conquers all' yet too often I hear that love is 'all about me and my needs'. I found it hard to understand AB and for a long time didnt understand it at all. But my lack of understanding is no excuse for not tolerating it.

I believe that at the core of most problems of this nature is that the relationship itself has problems with acceptance of the other person 'in total'. Love and marriage is supposed to accept the 'whole package' yet there are too many unwilling to accept that which they dont like or dont understand. I understand that I am preaching to the wrong audience here but it is what I feel very strongly. How many hubbies have to suffer thru women with mood swings that cover the entire spectrum or who have almost literally a shoe fetish? Yet when he wants to wear a diaper she goes ballistic??

Putting AB into a relationship can and does work. But ultimately it is dependant on the other partner truly loving them and it is sad to say that in many cases that simply isnt true. I didnt understand AB. I didnt like it and I didnt want it. I fought it and was most unfair and he hid it. But when push came to shove and he could not hide it any more, I worked on understanding it. Then I worked on incorporating it into our lives. My hubby is a vastly happier, calmer and more capable person today because his AB needs are being mainly fulfilled (not totally). And ultimately I gained far more than it cost me.

But the key to it all was committment to my hubby and my marriage. That was above everything else and I was not going to let a diaper and a baby dress get in the way.

[BriGuy]

I was up front from the get go. Made getting married much easier. Always best to lay it out on the table early. That way there are no hurt feelings from lack of acceptance.

Not only is it easier but it's only fair to your spouse. Talking about anger with no basis, you've basically lied to your wife about a part of your life. Then get angry because she isnt accepting with your lack of forthcoming? LoL

[diaperpt]

Two years ago some used diapers were discovered before I had a chance to get rid of them. My wife confronted me and I 'fessed up. She asked if I 'needed' them. I was so shocked and humiliated I didn't know what to do - so I was as honest as I could be at that point. There was an ultimatum. Get rid of everything and go to a shrink or the marriage was over. This was a 'deal-breaker.' She felt this was a form of cheating and that in keeping it a secret I'd lied to her; she didn't know who I was any more. I tossed ALL my stuff and swore I'd never use diapers again. I went to a shrink that next week.

Since then I've missed only a couple of weeks without a shrink session because he was away or I was. I needed it. I've been messed up all my life and thought I was just fine. Diapers came out of another fetish - and I realize now that both have been very real needs for me; psychologically, but real needs. Diapers were my way of establishing a place of my own in my life without bowing to someone else's will, desire, whim. My shrink has helped me build myself back up and I'm making some good progress.

Coincidentally, I have also developed some medical needs and after TURP surgery have needed diapers more and more to the point where I wear them all the time. My wife acknowledges the need, but wants to know nothing and see nothing about diapers. My shrink continues to support me and say I need to either take control or give it to her. What I'm trying to do is slowly move toward taking control. I'm not ashamed any more. I need them - part psychologically and partly medically - it doesn't matter. Both are important.

At this point, I'm not even sure what I want as an ultimate goal in terms of me, diapers and my wife. What I do want is to remain in the marriage and make it work; and at the same time, get my wife to accept more and more that I did not cheat, that I kept it a secret (and perhaps lied) only because I knew full well she would reject the idea of them, that diapers do not interfere with my love for her.

I can't force her to change her views on me in diapers but I can work to make myself stronger and to improve the marriage.

My situation is not universal by any means. On the previous page, 2 years ago we heard from ...sorry, can't remember... who said "I'm young, I'm cocky, and I'm a straight up ass sometimes. In real life, not so much." and that he just stood up and told his wife to be or whatever how things were going to be and she could either accept or take a hike. What he meant by 'in real life, not so much,' I'm not sure. I think one difference is that for those who are cocky, self-assured and perhaps a 'straight up ass sometimes' the women they will attract are most likely somewhat more accepting in any number of ways.

Regardless, its something you do need to face with your wife at some point - and better to do it at the beginning of the relationship (I wasn't capable of dealing with it myself at that point) and better before you're found out (and if you keep at it, you WILL be found out). It will be difficult to say the least.

Rosalie has added a lot to this discussion and I like what she has to say. We all have to keep working at the relationship more than the diaper issue. If you can make the relationship as strong as possible, each partner keeping the other's feelings and happiness in mind, you can overcome just about anything else. THEN if not, perhaps you aren't meant to be with each other. I've rejected just that statement from many others so let me say that MY statement is about the relationship. Others just say it's either diapers or divorce - and usually are looking for a one way relationship. Most of us here realize well that that won't work.

Aside

[spark]

But the key to it all was committment to my hubby and my marriage. That was above everything else and I was not going to let a diaper and a baby dress get in the way.

I'm curious, did you already have your suspicions when your husband came clean, or was it a complete shock. I'm sure you noticed some of the things your husband did that show traits of AB, but if did he need to come clean before, or not.

[rosalie.bent]

I'm curious, did you already have your suspicions when your husband came clean, or was it a complete shock. I'm sure you noticed some of the things your husband did that show traits of AB, but if did he need to come clean before, or not.

I was 'kinda aware' of something particularly his problem with occasional bedwetting but the need was so strong that keeping it totally from me simply wasnt really possible. yeah, i didnt like it, didnt understand it and it was right off my own plane of existence. But in retrospect I think I was quite narrow in my thinking. I was defining the universe by my family upbringing friends, church and the things I had lived through. None of my family wet the bed and so these issues were all foreign. IN a way I understand some wives reactions but at the same time I do not accept them as right anymore than I consider my own rejection and nedial was right. We found our place of mother/child relationship over a long period but even before that I accepted that the AB side was there and allowed him to 'do it' without me being around. It was pretty limiting for us both but certainly better than rejection.

I read DIAPERPT's post and frankly felt a bit ashamed of my gender and the 'deal breaker' comment. Lack of understanding is acceptable. Lack of acceptance is not. Im currently writing a book for parents of teens that wear diapers and one of my early chapters is about telling parents that their kids are okay; that they are NORMAL, just not common. I also said that the parents should be GRATEFUL; grateful that their teenage family issue wasn't drugs, crime, sex or pregnancy. it is diapers. JUST diapers. and frankly, some partners need someone to speak firmly (or just plain yell) that IT IS JUST DIAPERS!!! Compared to affairs, porn additiction, emotional distance and so on, what is wearing diapers compared to that? Cheating? cheating on what exactly? I had nightmare years with my son. I'd have traded those problems for diaper wearing in a flash and at that stage I didnt like my hubby wearing them either!

And sure for many others there are the baby things and I grant that that is a lot more complex, but still, compared to having affairs, stealing money and being an all-round lousy hubby, what is wearing baby clothes on occasion?

Needing diapers for physical or psychological reasons should never be a deal breaker. After all, most of us end up in them eventually if we live long enough. I maintain that being AB or DL should never be a marriage destroyer and I dont think it ever is. It might be the final straw but a good solid relationship can survive AB. All it needs is information and some good solid practical ideas and suggestions. Compromise on both sides is essential but doable.

We've both found an interesting thing about being in balance. My baby girl can dress up pretty much whenever he wants depending of course on who is around at the time but evenings and nightimes are almost always his to be a baby as much as he wants. Its surprising how little he does it now that he can do it when he wants and not just taking opportunities when and if he can. The surprising thing we found is that BALANCE actually brought a significant reduction in the AB desires. I didnt put that in the book because frankly, that can be pretty scary. AS difficult and frustrating strong AB desires can be, losing it or even feeling a lot less need can be scary. My hubby is in 24/7 diapers for both psychological and physical reasons. Sometimes he goes thru 'dry moments' like waking up in a dry nappy or having 4 or 5 hours dry during the day. It scares him sometimes because he is afraid of losing the physical need to be in nappies. So I see the fear in people about the AB desires receding.

I hope my rambling added something to the topic.

[Bettypooh]

What Briguy said though I'm not in full agreement with Rosalies statement about not understanding being acceptable Understanding on a logical level can be achieved through learning, and everyone owes that much devotion to their spouse. Understanding on an emotional level is something we can't create, but we can learn to control in our own self We owe it to anyone we care about to try to understand them and to keep trying until we're as successful at that as we can be. In those cared-for people, yes- we must accept the things which make them who they are or admit that we don't really care as much as we said or thought if things are to continue heading in the right direction

Bettypooh

[diaperpt]

I don't want to turn this into my thread, but thanks Rosalie for your supportive comments.
Bettypooh, I agree with you as well. Yes, I'm trying to strengthen the relationship, but there are some other strong factors going against our relationship.

I say this only to highlight that this is probably true in most struggling abdl relationships. If it were just the diapers, there would probably be more understanding and/or more acceptance.

All of this is information the OP must take into consideration.

In speaking with a good (online) abdl friend, I was reminded that one thing going against me was that everything hit the fan at once and my wife was thrown into this all at once. Abdl is certainly one of those things where it must be approached carefully, cautiously and a little bit at a time. At the same time, I can see that the spouse could be upset with that because you are just parcelling out information. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I think that's why clearing the air at the beginning of a relationship is the way to go in spite of all I've said here in the past.

[aleyxsis]

I told my x wife way before we got married but she also had to acceppt the fact i was a crossdresser too ,At first she was ok but not to happy she could somewhat acceppt the cding but could not wrap her head around the diapers (i cannot blame her ).3 years later we got married and stayed married for 15 years .I went to shrinks dr.s the whole gamment she thought it would all stop but guess what ??????????? it did not go away .I was supposed to solve it and fix it and come home with the answer she wanted to hear which was guess what honey im cured
In the end it all ended she thought she was way better off without me (good for her ) do i sound bitter ? lol

Now fast foward my x GF also knew about both but once again could not wrap her head around the diapers she was really cool about the cding and i never asked her to participate with the diapers but she got freaked out anyways .At least we are still good friends and she still trys to understand unlike my x she is still a shallow money hungry B%$^CH .Good for me !, i have basically been throu hell and back the last 5 years but i will not make the same mistake again !

[rosalie.bent]

What Briguy said though I'm not in full agreement with Rosalies statement about not understanding being acceptable Understanding on a logical level can be achieved through learning, and everyone owes that much devotion to their spouse. Understanding on an emotional level is something we can't create, but we can learn to control in our own self We owe it to anyone we care about to try to understand them and to keep trying until we're as successful at that as we can be. In those cared-for people, yes- we must accept the things which make them who they are or admit that we don't really care as much as we said or thought if things are to continue heading in the right direction

Bettypooh

Just a correction... I said 'understanding' was optional but 'acceptance' was not.

[rosalie.bent]

I told my x wife way before we got married but she also had to acceppt the fact i was a crossdresser too ,At first she was ok but not to happy she could somewhat acceppt the cding but could not wrap her head around the diapers (i cannot blame her ).3 years later we got married and stayed married for 15 years .I went to shrinks dr.s the whole gamment she thought it would all stop but guess what ??????????? it did not go away .I was supposed to solve it and fix it and come home with the answer she wanted to hear which was guess what honey im cured
In the end it all ended she thought she was way better off without me (good for her ) do i sound bitter ? lol

Now fast foward my x GF also knew about both but once again could not wrap her head around the diapers she was really cool about the cding and i never asked her to participate with the diapers but she got freaked out anyways .At least we are still good friends and she still trys to understand unlike my x she is still a shallow money hungry B%$^CH .Good for me !, i have basically been throu hell and back the last 5 years but i will not make the same mistake again !

Sorry to hear that ALeyxis. But it sounds like diapers werent the real cause of your splitups. And perhaps that is the issue: that diapers are sometimes just one straw too many for some couples rather than being nthe actual problem?

[BigBoy]

I think a lot of it comes from how you present it. If you tell your significant other like you are confessing something bad, I think the person will react in the way you are more or less setting them up to react (unintentionally). I told my exwife before we were married, a few months into our courtship.
They way I did it was a little probing pillow talk. I asked her what is that kinky stuff you go to in your head when you are close to orgasm. What is dirtiest, unspeakable thing that turns you on?
My wife told me she wanted a threesome or foursome. Not my thing, but I was willing to participate. I'm like, let's do it. We talked about how and such. There is a lot more to that part of the story, but you get the idea. Main point, be willing to make her deepest darkest kink become reality.
The same inquiry was turned to me. I told her. The next day we went to the store together to get diapers. I was content to just wear them. She insisted I wet the diaper. A week or so later, she wanted me to mess my diaper. We explored, there were somethings that were really fun, somethings weren't working as much as i liked.
I think the whole thing made us even more intimate. I dont mean in just the sexual side. I think it made us closer.
She got to see the counterbalance to my Type A personality. My big is BIG. My little is lil'.

[bbj]

having had the experience of sharing this 'lifestyle/fetish/need' with my ex wife of twenty years and my current wife of five years, i would have to agree that coming clean on this as early as possible in the relationship would be fairest option for all concerned.

as hard as it may be to open up to somebody else, let alone articulate in some way that makes any sense or meaning.( lord knows it's hard enough for myself to understand and accept), it needs to be done in the steps towards a truly honest and trusting relationship.

hindsight is a wonderful thing but i can see now that my marriage to my first wife was over well before i uttered my first stumbling words about my secret i had kept, believing that it may help save our marriage in some way. I would'nt say it was the final straw that broke it or the dealbreaker, but it just became another issue in the 'too hard basket'.
my confession led to many visits to a psychologist, at her insistance, even though i had readied myself with information for her. I was diagnosed with major depression which was a relief in a way because I was not functiontng very well at all and my 'regressive urges' were nearly out of control.
the marriage ended but we have kept an amicable relationship, with her even asking me if I had told my new partner about my stuff as she put it.

my current partner (wife) knew of my need, to some extent at least, from very early days of the relationship.
her limited involvement in bdsm made it easier to broach the subject but trying to explain the nitty gritty of it all has still been chalenging and embarresing. incorporating it into a balanced life style amongst all the other dynamics within the relationship remains a work in progress and a very enjoyable one at that.

[sukyb]

My darling husband, bbj, is an AB/DL; and for the majority of his life, it has been a source of shame, restlesness, resentment and ultimately rage. Rage is a harsh word, but when a person is confronted with something that he cannot control, a need he is powerless to stop and a want that he has been taught (within the somehow wonderful limitations of our societys 'acceptable behaviour' ) that is completely UNACCEPTABLE..Where does he go? Within himself, and there he finds the same needs and wants.
How is a person to feel complete, loved and ok when they are completely shamed within their own being
Where does such emotional turmoil go? Nowhere, nowhere but within their shattered and ultimately hurting soul.
Hence the anger; the rage at themselves to not be the person they are meant to be. The adult, the man, the responsible being that was brought into life and expected to uphold all the world his shoulders could take.
Funnily enough, I met my husband when we were both simply friends, and found the release of each others secrets simply a source of conversation.
As his needs were slowly revealed through our lives, I've slowly been overwhelmed, scared and I'll be honest, a little lost as to how I'll be what he needs..if I could at all.
The humour in this scenario is that I have a similar need, just minus the diapers...and I was left wondering how in the hell I could ever be there for him.
Then, well, it's still a work in progress, but when he is bbj, well I can't describe how much I want to protect him from the world, let him be that being that has been shamed and squashed for sooo many years. To hold him, love him, let him be is sincerely a joy within itself.
I guess love is truly all it takes...
After all, it's just a diaper.

[lilJester]

when i told whoever i was with, i was then single after that moment aside from one person who understood that i can't control my bladder at night at all....but other than that, yeah, pretty good way to make a girl break up with me apparently.

[palmd84]

I came clean to my wife about 3 years ago shortly after we got married when we started living together. We had a complex distance relationship going for long periods of time prior to that, only living together for 2-3 month of each year, which made it difficult to bring it up earlier because I just figured I'd be able to repress the urge to wear for those times. In retrospect I definitely should have told her earlier. When we got married I figured I could completely repress it, I now accept that it's pretty much hard-wired into my brain and I doubt I'll ever be able to get away from it.

Anyway, only a month after moving in permanently together I know I had to tell her, but couldn't quite find the right opportunity. Finally, one night she asked me how to spell "diaper" (she was taking ESL at the time), it kind of stunned because it came out of nowhere and I figured that would be the night. Later, that night in bed I told her I had something embarrassing to tell her but wasn't quite sure how to say it. I danced around it for awhile before finally spilling it all out. When I finished she just laughed and said she was expecting something far worse (infidelity), but she didn't have any problem with diapers. The next morning we went out to the door and bought some together; she kept reassuring me because I get pretty self-conscious buying. She even put one on me and tried one on herself, though she hasn't really worn since because she thinks they get too hot (she has really sensitive skin). She doesn't usually put them on me anymore, which is ok by me, but she's completely accepting and even said she thinks I look kind of cute wearing a diaper. I definitely consider myself lucky in those regards. In fact, she was the one who suggested I post here after she saw me reading over some of the other posts.

As bad as it can be to see a relationship end due something like this, I think it would be much worse to live your whole life repressing ab/dl-ism not even knowing if your partner might be completely accepting of it.

[rosalie.bent]

""As bad as it can be to see a relationship end due something like this, I think it would be much worse to live your whole life repressing ab/dl-ism not even knowing if your partner might be completely accepting of it.""

How true. I dont believe relationships break up solely because of diapers so imagine if youd been married 30 years and then find out your partner COULD handle it!

No guts, no glory!

[happyindprs]

I was into diapers long before I met my wife. After we fell in love I struggled with the idea of coming out about my diapers but could never quite figure out how. On a day before we go engaged I told her I had a secret that I hoped she would understand but I still could not bring myself to tell her in person. She suggested I write her a letter (pre-internet), She said that way I could get it off my chest and she could take her time finding out . We have been married for over thirty years and I am diapered 24/7

[bigbabygee]

When I first met my wife there was something special,I think I told her straight away or at least very soon after we spent our time together.Nothing happened as we were moving around with new jobs but then when we were settled I gave her some magazines,Forum,that had articles stories involving people who wore nappies unknown to me I was called to the bedroom and nappied and dressed as a baby for the first time.She brought a baby outfit from a joke shop and nappies and plastic pants from a chemist.I was shaking with fear and excitement the first time it was her that told me I could wet my nappy.Now years later I find myself without a partner and wondering if I could be so lucky second time around though the baby side is there,it will not go away,it isn't as important part of me as years ago.

[disposablesonly]

Well, we are very special people with a unique and off putting lifestyle. I wish all the best to any of you that are wishing to tell a spouse, parent, boyfriend/girlfriend, or friend about your abdl side. Most likely because of my sales pitch and approach, i was unsuccessful right from the start and hiding it and waiting years into the relationship was probably not the best idea, BUT, despite of what alot of posters have said on this thread about not waiting and just putting it out there early on or right at the beginning of the relationship not only will be a deal breaker for some but can ruin lives and many relationships beyond the one they are trying to make stronger. I know i'm being the devil's advocate about alot of this, but it comes from trial and error, many failed attempts to fit this fetish into my relationship and experiences. Sometimes it's just not as easy as "take it or leave it.". Trust me, I would love it if it were that simple, but this fetish is not simple to the one who is unfamiliar to it. We all know our desires and we all know that we want to only include our S.O.'s into something that is a part of us and just to be ourselves and be loved unconditionally, but when it comes to the moment of trying to translate what's in our head to our loved ones, we choke. Whether it's from awkward silences, judgement or just the simple fact that we want to keep these people in our lives no matter what and the slight chance of them falling out of love with us because we have a "strange" fetish scares the living hell out of us. Kudos to all of you wonderful people that have had success in making abdl a part of your normal everyday lifestyle with your spouse. I'm slowly working on it!

[CDLover]

I haven't mentioned this here before about how I came out to my ex...

We were making love one evening and I was sucking on her breasts.. She was typically very quiet and reserved so I was rather shocked when she said, "I like to think of me nursing you." I hadn't told her about diapers at this point as they had recently resurfaced after many years, but I immediately thought of being nursed while wearing diapers.

So one day a few months later, we were out on nice summer day relaxing in the middle of a lake in a boat. I screwed up my courage and said,, "Remember how you mentioned you liked to think of me nursing? I really liked that too. One thing I'd really like to do, is to do that while wearing diapers." She was already used to me x-dressing while making love, which was OK but diapers did not go over well. She absolutely hated the thought of me wearing diapers. For me the urge got stronger and stronger and her resistance got just as strong.

This brought out all the weaknesses in our marriage exemplified by my pushiness and her reluctance to talk. Had I a chance to do things over I probably would do things differently, but I don't know if we would have ever gotten over the "diaper hurdle." My desire for diapers would not go away and her resistance would not diminish... I really don't know how we would have over come this, unless I wore less, but for me this did not seem like a workable solution...

CDL