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Term's done, but stressed, unproductive, up past 3am, scared...what's wrong with me?


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Last Tuesday I pretty much finished my work for the college term, but...something's not right :(

I feel like my body hasn't come out of stress mode. I feel like it's residual, keeping me awake, emotional, and prone to nightmares. I haven't left the house in a week now. Just stay inside, cook, play games, talk to people every couple days. But I'm not packing my bags to go abroad on the twentieth. Not sorting my room and desk out. Not reading or writing. Scarcely practicing my voice. No exercise. Routinely stay up to 3am thec last 4 nights playing video games idly and just 'sort of' enjoying them until I pull myself to bed. Repeat. At least I will see thecHobbit tomorrow, gtfo the house.

Maybe I'm just messed up like this because there is still a lot going on. Accomodation hunt. Last scraps of work. Backloggery. Going abroad for Christmas. The prospect of coming out as trans next year and provided my parents don't kill me having a shitty transition and recognition 'system' to get through, only to be met with misogyny and transphobia, haha, that's gonna be fun, as if round 2 of the closet wasn't painful enough. And through it all I'm still dealinf with wounds dealt to me 15 months ago, that I've made no progress on healing despite therapy because it's so hard and frightening.

And yeah, I have a boyfriend. I love him. I want to see him, next year. He means the world to me. It's so much easier having him in my life. I'd lop off toes to sleep next to him right now. But all this shit still hurts. But, surely, I should be happy, right?

Am I..depressed? Like am I actually, seriously, something-is-wrong depressed, at 4 in the morning, head rushing? I never really entertained the thought until my voice therapist asked if I had ever been on antidepressants. I've been sad and hurting plenty, especially that year of college I failed but.

.not likecthis. Not after a term is over, not staying inside fpr a week, not stayimg up until 3am trying to have fun and fighting sleep then getting 7 hours, not feeling so hollow despite the wonderful man in my life and caring friends.

I ddon't know. Can I just know wtf is going on with me.

My eyes are drooping. And II'm having to ask myself if I want to wake up or just wander in my dreams until I die.

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You're seeing all the things that you're carrying in life right now and the burden seems ovewrwhelmong. You do need to speak with a Therapist or Doctor to determine if you'vew got Clinical Depression- it can be treated and that doesn't always require Meds ;) But right now I think you need to speak with yoiur BF and see if there's a way you can get together sooner rather than later. Future hopes are nice but we live in the 'now' and sometimes we need to forget about that past and the future and handle the 'now'. Start with catching up with your 'now' friends- call them, tell them you're bored and want something to do then get out and have sone fun with them- that will help you rebuild some strength to go on- it will give you some happiness now when you need it. Confide in them with some of your problems- a shared burden is always easier to carry. And don't worry too much about the future- it will sghow up and you'll find you're way through it just the same as you have so far :) Look for and chase the good and happy things in your life- you've just passed a huge milestone in your life and that shoiuld be making you happy! It was a lot of work but you did it so be proud of that and let that help reassure you that you are on the right path to success and happiness in life and that you're doing the right things to get to where you want to be :thumbsup: Set aside the things that are bugging you for awhile, they will still be there and you can deal with them later- and go have some fun NOW :girl_happy: Take a break from the hassles- there's time for that- and you'll feel better for doing it. Do that with people you like, not alone- somehow that always helps. Give yourself a chance to smile today, tomorrow will bring answers along with it's questions and there's no point in worrying about it all the time. Tomorrow matters but today matters more right now- life is like that sometimes. Go find some smiles and know that all of us want you to have that B)

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Guh, I did it again. I don't know 'why' I stay up, I just...do.

It's curious that tigger and dill both brought up PTSD mentions. Because I honestly think I have one of the so-called 'Little-t' traumas. On my 21st birthday, my family essentially erased my sexuality so they could look good in front of extended family, treat me as their trophy. I cried in the shower to hide the hurt that day. And I feel like that day follows me sometimes. Like I live in its shadow. 450 days or so, and it still smarts.

That's when I stopped trusting them. I stay away when I can, and dread coming out as trans. I have borne this loathing for more than a year. Sometimes my only motivation is my anger, to succeed in spite of what they did. Like there's some black smouldering lump of dismal rage inside me, pushing me on. But what happens when they're gone, will I be left hollow without my anger? If not for my boyfriend that lump would choke my heart and I would forget love altogether.

I went to therapy for 2 months to try and get the skills to tell them how what happened affected me, but I never followed through. Every scenario in my head made me panic, from being ignored to laughed at to shouted down. Sometimes, I wonder if I still love them at all. But either way, I will never forgive.

And I've had to shoulder this while working on a novel I can't expect to ever publish because being trans in a transphobic world is a PR nightmare. Just...my heart picked a good fucking year to continue being ripped to shreds.

And yes...I suppose there are things to look forward to. Seeing my beloved, as early as May, as late as September. Eventual transition. But it's hard to smile when it's behind 'will I have a family in a few months? Can I ever heal? How long can my nest egg last?'

I guess that, when I get back to college, I really do need to get help. I just wish this was all over and behind me. If, on September, you asked me when I was coming out, I said November. And now, February is predicated on me having somewhere to sleep if my parents don't takecit well

This is not just unfair, but cruel. People should not have to do a risk-benefit analusis of living authentically to themselves.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Having spent more than a week abroad now, I believe I'm feeling better. Slep helped a lot.

I have decided on finally addressing my 21st with my folks next month, and 'sometime in February' I'm spilling the T. It just has to happen. I don't yet know how to handle facebook, campus, and extended family, but that's alright. I just need to do this now. If I can take this step to start with, I will. All I need is clothes and board in Galway, and a word with my bank about my nest egg, and I will be able to survive even if things go south.

Again, it's all predicated on having somewhere to go come February, but things are looking up on that front.Have a fortnight once home to solidify a deal. I've also spoken to my beau, and we're thinking of, rather than September, I rent one month more and we spend 2-4 weeks of August living together before the term starts. That gives me hope.

Again, thank you for al your help, everyone <3

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