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AB/DL Relationship/Sex Advice:


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I was hoping to get some more feedback from people in the community. She says the lack of a sex life is common within the ab/dl community and that in past relationships, even one of over a year, no one has really asked her for a sex life beyond the fetish and masturbation. She says she has never been in a relationship like this where it is expected and it scares her. But that doesn't explain to me the total lack of interest in intimacy and touching.

No, counseling hasn't been discussed because she would never agree to it. She barely talks to me, much less would she a counselor. Communication has been tried, but when I am subtle about it she says nothing or changes the subject and when I am more open about my feelings a fight starts and she says I'm pointing out her failures as a gf and person and that I'm not happy with her.

I'm really not sure what to do because I love her like crazy but want more than this from a relationship. I was hoping to get some insight and thoughts on whether I'm being reasonable from people that share her fetish.

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Ive been in the community for 16 years ... and without communication there is not a lot of options. Play requires proper negotiation and feedback as does any healthy relationship. Ive had many ive wanted to keep and just had to know when to move on.

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You are seeing clearly by her inaction what she really wants. While leaving feels cruel and an over reaction, i can tell you from experience that 40 years from now things will NOT be any better than they are now AND there will be plenty of times that are much worse. I was with a woman who initially was definitely more experienced and adventurous than myself but wanted to save intercourse for marriage. She shut down as things starting getting serious. After marriage she really shut down where if we were even a little intimate one night, for the next two weeks she would pick fights, be angry and go to bed either much later or earlier than i did to avoid any intimacy. I asked her years later about how her initial actions were so opposite her later ones; she said "because she thought boys expected it". I too have still the problem of not being able to communicate or work out anything with her. I was patient --way too patient. Whenever I disagreed with her at all, the fight instantly escalated on her part to a life or death issue that she had to win at any cost. She would literally do or say anything with absolutely no limits to get what she wanted in the present moment. I could never believe that she even realized what her words and actions were doing to the relationship. Years later I concluded that she knew exactly what she was doing and did not care. At one point she even said it was my fault because if I had stood up to her she would have backed down. (She may believe that but definitely not true based on some more casual encounters she has had.) For many years she worked out conflict by being a rageaholic until she got exactly what she wanted. So I stupidly stayed with her and even had kids together with all this unresolved. Now I am remembering all this and kicking myself for literally wasting my life. I am not exaggerating at all. In my life of denial, I literally wasted my life.

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Thanks for that. I appreciate the offer. I really didn't know who to ask for advice given the fetish and the fact that she doesn't feel comfortable with anyone knowing about it.

I guess it comes down to me feeling like I have a best friend and roommate that I hang out with.....not a lover or partner. And I want more from a relationship. The reason I've let it go so long is because she is a virgin, but despite that I don't get the total lack of intimacy. I'm confused, torn, and a bit depressed.

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I guess it comes down to me feeling like I have a best friend and roommate that I hang out with.....not a lover or partner. And I want more from a relationship. The reason I've let it go so long is because she is a virgin, but despite that I don't get the total lack of intimacy. I'm confused, torn, and a bit depressed.

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You just need to start masturbating. Really, it isn't good for you physically and it's quite obvious by your first post that thinking about sex is definitely dominating your life. Maybe if you could get this off your mind for once then she will be more willing once she notices you've stopped pushing for it.

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I think you might get more advice/perspectives if you move this thread to a more popular forum (maybe 'our lifestyle discussion'). I think people check that forum more frequently.

I will say that I don't find her behavior "normal" for abdl... There are plenty of us that have heathy sex lives. Sure there are a number of asexual abdl's and some that only appreciate self pleasure, but with anything abdl is a spectrum. There are some that love sex and want it all the time and there are others that don't need it in their life. She seems not to be asexual because she does self pleasure but it is unfair for her to expect you to be deprived. I don't think its fair for a girl to say "guys expect it" and use it as an excuse as to why they don't want to have sex. The reason they don't want to have sex is because they don't want to have sex. Period. If you are in a committed relationship and you think your guy is being too forward it is because you as a girl aren't in the mood/don't want to have sex. If you were in the mood, you would find their advances romantic rather than pushy.... But the digress.

If she isn't asexual and she hasn't been abused (are you quite sure she hasn't been abused? From your description of how she shuts down it seems like she might have been but doesn't want to tell you..) But if these are not the case, have you considered that she is lesbian/transgendered? A good friend of mine had a relationship somewhat similar to yours and she eventually broke up with him after a couple of years. About a year after she broke up with him he came out to her as transgender and he said he found it hard to be with her intimately because she was ashamed of his male parts and jealous of her women parts.. Not sure if this is something that is plausible but you said you were looking for more insight. Hope this helps. Keep us updated.

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@Brian the thing is, I don't push for it. Ive been patient and rarely bring it up. Maybe once a week when we're in bed I'll tell her that she is sexy or beautiful and that I want her. She then puts her head down, brings the knees up, closes her eyes, says nothing, and goes to sleep. I don't try to inituate beyond that because it always goes badly. I don't push for it at all anymore, because she promised to initiate when she was ready. "Soon". That was over 6 months ago. We argue about it maybe once a month. That's the extent of my pushing.

The "guys expect it/push for it" reason isn't really valid in my case. I was fine with waiting and still don't necessarily expect intercourse, just some semblance of a sex life or at least a show of interest.

The lesbian/transgender idea isn't plausible, but thanks nonetheless.

So anyhow, we got into a huge fight about this the other day. We had a particularly good night together at home, I cooked her dinner, we watched a romantic movie, I put her in a diaper. When we went to bed I held her cheek so she was looking at me for once, took one of her hands and put it on my chest, told her that she was beautiful, sexy, and that I wanted her. I asked her to make love to me. She closed her eyes, said "soon" again, and wouldn't respond to anything else I said even though I knew she was not sleeping and had been very talkative before that.

The next morning she was acting strange, mentioned my ex-girlfriend in a negative way, then asked about the most minor of arguments we had several days prior. I told her it was nothing, but explained why I had been in a bad mood. She hardly talked to me the rest of the morning. It was date night, so around the time we were to get ready to go I asked her if she still wanted to and she said no, she was going to take a bath alone instead. She has never missed a date night, and never asked to be alone. I tried to talk to her, but she seemed really angry. I asked if she wanted me to leave. She said yes. I asked if she still wanted to do anything that night. She said no, but "you can come back later tonight". Being that it is my house, too, this made me angry.

She claimed nothing was wrong. This behavior is common for her, though. Whenever we come "closer" to having sex or have a particularly intimate night together (or when we have a romantic night planned that could lead to intimacy, she seems to start an argument. Every. Single. Time. Over nothing. This time I was frustrated so I called her on it, and she became FURIOUS. I ended up leaving and trying to come back later. We started arguing again despite me being completely calm. I told her I loved her and that I was willing to work through this with her, but I needed her to communicate with me. I reminded her that I had been very up front from the beginning that a sex life is important to me, and that I had told her before moving in together that at some point the lack of a sex life was going to be a serious problem. She responded "great, that point is now?". I told her that I have been patient and waited a year, and that if I knew what we were waiting FOR, it would be helpful. She just said "this us hard for me, but you obviously don't care". I said that I obviously care since I've gone without sex for a year, to which she replied "poor baby".

She was really angry, would say things like "not that you give a shit, but" before everything she said, and basically told me she didn't want to talk about the subject with me. in the midst of this she said that she had experienced penetration twice before, and both times were painful. Once at a gyno exam (she has never gone back and says she would rather die than go again), and once trying with fingers and a sex toy. I told her there are several reasons it could be painful and that we could work on it together (she won't go to doctors), and in the meantime try other things, but she declined, saying she was working on it alone.

I ended up leaving again, since at that point she went to bed and locked the door. She was upset I had left the next day, told me to come back, and that she loved me. I came back to talk and told her I loved her but I needed her to talk to me and work on things if we were going to continue on. She promised she would, but I've been so exhausted by the whole ordeal and afraid of another argument we haven't discussed it since. I have noticed she is touching me a lot more, though (not sexually) since, and sending me nice texts throughout the day.

Anyway, that's the latest, and I'm more exasperated with the situation than ever, despite loving her like crazy.

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You say you don't push for it, but also say you ask about once a week. That's pushing for it. On top of that, when you did ask she said no, so the very next day you get in fight over it. Dud, you are seriously pushing her for sex so much yet you don't even see it. This is exactly the wrong thing you need to be doing right now.

Like I said. You need to get sex completely out of your mind right now. Don't bring it up, and don't even think about, for at least a month or two. You have to let her come to you, you actually don't even have to keep reminding her about it ever again. She already knows, and will come to you, but only on her terms and when she is ready. If that means you need to find a one night stand, or start mastrubating, then that's just what it will take.

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I don't see telling her she is sexy once every week or two as pushing it. Jeez, if I cant even do that we might as well just be roomies. She sleeps in only panties and expects me to cuddle her, what am I supposed to do? Try putting sex out of your mind after a year going without while sleeping next to your naked gf! It's only in recent months that I've even started to mention it. I didn't mention it at all until just recently when I started to feel like a year was long enough to wait. I don't even care about intercourse. I don't think some kind of physical relationship after a year is too much to ask. I started to gently mention it because I got the feeling we would never have a sex life if I didn't show interest in making it happen.

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I don't mean to disregard your advice, I just wanted to clarify I never even brought the subject up until she wanted to move in together, and again recently because I feel like a year is long enough to wait and don't consider 6 months to be "soon". But maybe I'm being a jerk, that's why I'm asking.

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No offense taken. Every relationship is different, but I'm just calling it as I see it from the context of my own opinion. I do agree with you that you've waited long enough, obviously your girlfriend disagrees though.

If you think no sex right now is bad then you should wait till you've been married for a decade or two, and your testosterone levels have plummeted. I'm lucky to even think about wanting sex once a year, so yeah I already am there.

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Thanks, I realized I probably came off like a jerk from being frustrated and didn't want you to think I was just posting here for people to agree with me. I really would like some advice and to be told if I'm being unreasonable, since sometimes you can't see that when you're so close.

I think she agrees I've waited long enough, but doesn't seem to think it's a big deal for a guy to go without sex. She seems to think her feelings are more important than mine most of the time. She is the worst I've ever met at empathizing with others. She is incapable of seeing anything from another view.

She'll often specifically ask me how I feel about something like this, but if I tell the truth she gets furious and says I'm being mean. So most of the time I just say nothing. But then she gets mad because I'm not telling her how I feel. It seems like a no-win situation.

Another reason I started to bring it up recently is because she has been talking about taking the next step and getting married. I need a sex life with my partner before I can even consider moving forward. She got me to move in together with the promise of "soon". I don't really consider 6+ months soon. She'll get upset I don't want to talk about marriage, but what the heck.....so yes, I started to bring it up in the most gentile of ways.

Regarding the fight, I didn't bring up the subject until it was clear she was mad at me for no reason because of the previous night. So I said something at that point, but I had no intention of pressing it until then.

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I think she agrees I've waited long enough, but doesn't seem to think it's a big deal for a guy to go without sex. She seems to think her feelings are more important than mine most of the time. She is the worst I've ever met at empathizing with others. She is incapable of seeing anything from another view.

There's something else going on.

This sounds like the symptoms of a mental condition.

The name of this brings many negative connotations, but that is not the norm. Many people live very successful lives with this situation, most often in a business career.

I suggest speaking with a mental health professional. She might not agree to go, but you could gain much insight into what the future might contain for the relationship.

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she had to have some kind of trauma if she curls up in a fetal position when you try to initiate sex, you have tried more times than should even be necessary to get to the bottom of it, as i see it you have been more than patient with her, but at the same time both sides seem to be avoiding getting into a real discussion of it, you shy away from it because she goes apeshit, she get scared and goes apeshit or something, marriage might help, MAYBE, but its no guarantee, and to be honest i have doubts that she loves you enough to really marry you, if she wont open up about what is wrong with her, to you, how can you walk down the isle?. here is what i think you need to do, sit her down and tell her flat out something to the effect of: "look, this isnt working out, and i want to stay with you, and be with you, but you wont open up to me, there is something really wrong here, its not that you wont have sex because if you would let me help you, we could get that problem that stops you out of the way and grow in this relationship, but i think you dont trust me enough to let me in, after how patient ive been, if we are going to stay together, you need to swallow you pride and talk to me, not blow up at me, and be willing to go to counseling or we might as well hang it up and go our separate ways...."

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I would never act as though it was just a problem for her. I have tried to talk with her about it and point these things out to her, but she denies she was ever abused in any way and gets angry with me. There is no way I could ever talk her into seeing someone. She says she would rather die than go to a doctor or counselor...

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I would never act as though it was just a problem for her. I have tried to talk with her about it and point these things out to her, but she denies she was ever abused in any way and gets angry with me. There is no way I could ever talk her into seeing someone. She says she would rather die than go to a doctor or counselor...

she is repressing something and doesnt want whatever it is to be brought up, that will likely be a problem for your relationship.

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