Can't/Won't/Don't Connect With People

[Elfy]

I have had a problem for a long time of not being able to connect with people easily. Not had too many friends growing up and the one's I had have drifted away apart from the odd conversation on facebook. Contact with my two really good friends who I have known almost as long as I have been alive is basically gone, one because I came out as bisexual which was too much for him to handle apparently and he stopped talking to me randomly one day and the other because I moved away and now we never see each other.

I know basically no one where I live. Apart from Alice I rarely speak to anyone. I'm very introverted and (I think) a little agoraphobic, I find it really hard to be in crowds or going out in the day where there are a lot of people about, it isn't impossible for me but it is difficult and I have been known to (almost literally) run away when in a group of people. So I'm not often even in a position where I see new people much and to be perfectly honest half of me is OK with that, I have never wanted a large circle of friends but right now I have no one but Alice and I am acutely aware that if I lost her for any reason I would lose this flat (since I can't pay the mortgage) and I would be back at my parents with no future whatsoever.

Basically my main contact with people is online, whether with family and real life friends through skype or facebook or through here with ABDLs that I know and like. The only problem is... This place isn't working any more.

I realize that next to no one actually likes me here. I have a couple of people who I have known a long time like Champy, Fozzy, Leaf and Daddy-Adam but outside of those three people it is slim pickings. I don't mean to insult anyone else, I am just talking about people I have spoken too for years.

I have had people I liked such as Sasha and Beckycat and had to ban... One was using me for their own amusement and the other was just broke rules and annoyed people constantly. The people that made me a mod... Andi, warpiper, Betty... One never comes here and the others are here only rarely and I never speak to them any more, I understand why, lives are hectic and if you have a lot going on then this place falls down the list of importance which is totally understandable.

There are people I liked who just don't come here any more or do so rarely and don't talk to me if they do.

There are people who I pissed off who didn't deserve it, who I apologised to but apparently it wasn't accepted since I hear that people are talking about me on other websites.

There are people who I was friendly with and thanks to them breaking a rule and me having to do my job we are no longer friendly. Over the stupidest little things that if it was talked about it wouldn't be a problem. Things as small as warning a person not to PM without permission have lost me people I spoke to at least in passing for weeks or months beforehand. It is to the point where I am incredibly wary of talking to new people in case I have to warn them about something in the future. I sit in chat silently because despite being here for nearly a decade... I don't actually know many people here at all. When I do speak I expect (and often do get) sarcastic remarks or insults or whatever else in response, I guess I'm just known as an ass hole so everything I say is taken as sarcastic or something. So I just sit there and just wait to see if someone needs something from me since it is the only time people seem to have something to say to me.

I won't lie, and I know this is contributing to the problem, but I just don't like a lot of people who come in chat. Whether the obsession of role play, the need for attention, the baby talk, the HNG's, the intolerant (ironic and hypocritical I know, I'm as intolerant as anyone else, but I mean of LGBT and other issues like it which is a surprising amount of people), the fakes and frauds... I see a lot of people in chat as people I don't want to know. Which is strange because apparently everyone else has zero problem with these people. I can't even tell it is because they trust I (or another mod) get rid of them so they don't worry and let the mods handle it or if they just genuinely don't care if the person they are talking to is lying, fake, trying to scam, etc...

What really sparked such introspection though was someone, I forget who, said something in chat. I can't remember the quote exactly but it was something like "Elfy wasn't always like this, he used to be fun", like I say, I can't remember the exact quote but it was words to that effect.

I can't even remember it now. I know I must have been liked at one point... I was nice enough that Alice got to know me, that I made friends... Enough friends where they made me a mod a few years ago. Enough friends where people were genuinely happy that I was a mod, that I was something different to what came before it. I don't remember what I was like in my first years here at all, I can't remember what I said or did prior to being involved in the infamous "Skype calls" with a group of people (most of whom no longer come here).

I don't remember it but I miss that time.

I know this is a long post and I know it is "woe is me" in tone but it is how I feel, and I know it will get a lot of eye rolling from some people but it is me opening myself up for something I have thought about for a long time but not wanted to say. I don't want to give up being a mod, I love being a mod.

I just want to be happy here again, I want to be like I apparently was before I became the guy everyone didn't want to or was scared to talk to, the person people talk about behind my back. I want to like people again and be liked by people.

I just don't know how to be that person again, I don't even know if I can be that person again.

[Little Crusader]

Maybe a good place to start would be finding some common interests you are still quite positive about (such as gaming or writing) and try to discuss that with others, having to deal with so many other members in chat who annoy you or break the rules, it could help to be able to discuss stuff you enjoy, or even play some online games with others, so you can see what people are like when they are not being their chat room self's.

I would say you are not the only one who gets annoyed by the kind of people you get in the chat room, but there are few times that anyone other then a mod can really do anything about it, and open complaining about stuff, will either have the whole agree with you, or disagree with you, which isn't always fun.

People do often put on or take of a persona when using chat rooms like these, HNG's think they can just be as open and dirty as they want, people assume they can say stuff that they never could say in a face to face conversation, or you got people trying to act like the little age they see themselves, or even as the cool fun people to get attention.

I know you miss how things used to be here for you, but you shouldn't just try and be someone who people like when you don't really enjoy dealing with them, you need to be friends with people who you enjoy just talking to, they tend to be the ones who bring out your fun side. Maybe start an ABDL gaming group, or find other writers you can collaborate with.

[WakkoWannaBe]

Hey Elfy, you're definitely allowed to write a "woe is me" post! We're only human!

I don't really like to go onto the chat for, I think, the same reasons that you don't like the chat. There is for sure an obsession with RPs and the conversation topics just move very quickly. I also think that the boards and the chat consist of, to an extent, a different group of people (the handful of times I have been in the chatroom, I've only seen people who I haven't seen on the forums). So, like, I'm glad that the chat is there and I'm glad that people enjoy it, but it's not for me and I totally understand where you're coming from on the chat thing.

As for people who don't talk to you after you tell them that they broke a rule (even a paltry one): that's them. You can't blame yourself because someone else was acting like a big baby! You were doing your job and trying to be a good admin, they exploded not you! It sucks when it has to be a person that you liked/were friendly with, but if you lost them as a friend over something as paltry as that, then they probably weren't worth being your friend anyway.

It sounds like I'm telling you a lot of "it's not you, it's them" stuff. But like it also sounds like you might could maybe possibly use some help with the being in public thing. I'm not really certain if that's something that you could/should see a doctor about but I'd like to ask you to consider seeing a doctor over that. I'm not your mother, you said you're happy with your introvertedness, but like: consider it! If you could lose your flat over just losing one person then it could be that your shyness is getting in the way of you living your life (okay mom rant over).

I'm sorry that you lost a friend over being bisexual. I wouldn't say that I've lost any friends over being queer myself, so I don't know if I can speak on this as much, but I honestly feel the same thing applies: they weren't actually your friend if they let that get to them. And I know that that sucks when you're friends with them for so long and you were just trying to be open and be yourself.

Anyway. I doubt that any of that was helpful. Not only did I respond to like .2% of the stuff you talked about, but my advice is rarely sage. Like I said, though: you're allowed to write a "woe is me" post, so no eye rolling on my end of the screen! Feel free to shoot me a PM if you need a ear to vent on and stay strong! I know that we're not buddy-buddy/BFFs to the grave, but I wouldn't classify myself into the group of people who don't like you (in fact, I think that that group is smaller than you think!)!

[Bettypooh]

We have more friends than we know- they're the ones who show up just when we need them the most Being a Mod has costs and benefits, and one of those costs comes when you have to take action against friends. Sad but that's the way it works sometimes. I don't have many friends anymore myself, being something of a homebody. They move away, die, drift off with other groups of people, whatever- they're gone now Family has become my closer friends now, sometimes the closest. That didn't happen ll by itself; I had to learn how to deal with each of them and their quirks without upsetting someone else in so doing But the few friends I have now are true friends

I've not found many friends locally through a shared common interest, though that had led to my meeting enough other people so that I found a friend or two by seeking that common interest. It is a good way to start. Neighbors are too, and with them being so close you should have something good going with them if you can. Even if it's just hand-delivering them a Christmas card once a year, keep those doors open because they are the ones you'll first see supporting you if there's a problem at home. Just be sure to do the same for them And to make friends you have to get out into the world a bit- be where people you might make friends with are at and it will happen. Plus being outside helps with depression. Doesn't have to be among crowds, just where some people are. I'm not agoraphobic but I've never really liked crowds, simply preferring fewer people to interact with than most. I find most people boring and bland- I'm drawn to the unusual ones who dare to be themselves. You can find them or whatever kind of people you like, but you've got to get out and look for them to do that. Next time one of our friends goes out to do something ask them if they'd mind your company and go with them. Strike up happy conversations where you can. Help somebody even if just in

[Elfy]

Thanks for the replies. I don't know what I'm going to do about anything but I appreciate the responses.

[Bettypooh]

Make a plan -something simple and easy- then follow it. Look for clues about a shared interest and make a comment; if you see someone wearing your sports teams hat say something about their last game. Comment about how you like something a girl is wearing. Go to a meeting on something you enjoy like a garden club or whatever. You don't have to interact at first but after a few times you'll find it easier and it keeps getting easier the more you interact with people I've got a great rapport with the girls at my local McDonalds and it all started with my saying "Thank you and I hope you have a great day!" to one girl at the drove-through window, Now we make each other's day and it's fun

[steve117]

Hi Elfy,

I agree with Bettypooh that contact with other people helps with your own mood.

I suffer with depression myself and on bad days would rather hide away from everyone. My advise is to keep talking and being open with those people who are closest to you. And if you struggle to interact with other people ask them to help by including you in their interations with others.

You are very welcome to DM me if you want someone to talk too someone who struggles with some similar issues and I think you have more friends here than you think.

Warm hugs, Steve.