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Not Sure What I'm Doing


Elfy

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So you all probably recognise me as "Elfking".

I changed my name here because I wanted to use that username on another website that I don't want to be recognised from here on. Quite unexpectedly this name change as brought out a lot of feelings and I am not sure what to do or where to go with them.

I have always had a feminine side, for as long as I can remember I have never been the most masculine guy in the world. That isn't to say I acted particularly "girly" growing up, in fact I played football, went paint balling and all my friends were guys. Being anything other than a guy was something that never crossed my mind.

However, I did always know that I probably wasn't straight. As puberty happened I realised that I was fantasising about guys as much as girls... It wasn't something that worried me too much growing up, if I was gay then I was gay...

But one thing that did happen, and still does happen (and this might be tmi, just a warning) is that when I am having sexual fantasies... Sometimes the fantasies involve me as the female side of things.

So... Fast forward and I meet Alice. At the time we were both male and on pretty much the night we first met we somehow ended up both admitting that neither of us were sure about ourselves gender wise. Fast forward a couple of years and for my fiance this becomes a much more serious issue and she starts the process of transitioning (just recently celebrated a year on HRT and is on the waiting list for surgery).

For me... My feminine side kind of disappeared. When me and Alice first met we both did the sissy thing and after a while I decided it wasn't for me. As Alice decided she wanted to change, I decided I didn't. So we stayed like that for a few years until just this past week. I don't know whether I just hid it from myself or whether it went away and came back or what but a lot of my old confused feelings are back.

For whatever reason in the last week I have been feeling really... Confused. I honestly am struggling to put into words how I feel... I like being a guy, I don't think I'm transgender (though I'm not sure) but I have these feelings that I don't know how to explain. A yearning inside me for something and I'm not sure what.

Which takes me back to the start... I had to change my name, and really I had a whole bunch of things to choose from and for some reason I decided I wanted a gender neutral, maybe even feminine, name such as the one I chose (It is a wrestling term but also resembles a feminine name).

I'm really not sure where to go or what to do with all this. I'm not even sure what I am asking in this thread but I feel like something is happening and I am confused as to what it is. For some reason, even just typing this made me feel emotional. I guess I'm just looking for some advice.

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A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, Kay :)

Just let us know what we should call you and that should be the end of that. I'm sorry that anybody here is giving you a hard time about it, but - playing devil's advocate - the internet doesn't react the best to change. People who have always known you as Elfy may feel this is too strange and have some aprehension, but most of them will get over it and only the real stubborn jerks who can't accept someone wanting to make a change in their online life would have a problem after that. A name is just a name at the end of the day. It is not a definition of who you are :)

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When I talked about fantasising like that I mean I fantasise that I am the female during sex.

And I didn't want to overstate that part. This is much more than these fantasies. These fantasies have been around for as long as I have had sexual thoughts but I have something deeper that feels just... Off. This is the problem, I can't put my finger on why I'm feeling like this. It could be a phase but I don't know if it is or not.

I wish I had the words to really describe how I feel but I really don't because I'm not sure how I feel. I feel so confused and that is making me very frustrated. I think I'm venting here as much as anything else because I am at a loss as to what is happening.

Thanks Mina, the problem I am having is that I don't know what I want people to call me! I'm hoping I can figure it out though because I feel like a bit of a mess right now.

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From everything you said in the opening post and this followup post, it's possible you could be genderfluid and your masculine and feminine sides switch back and forth, and I say that becaues you're describing how I am. Sometimes I'm Mina and sometimes I'm not, and I know that's a difficult thing to deal with. I think you might find it helpful if you stop putting labels on your interests or attitudes. It's not a permament reprieve from the struggle, but I've found I've felt better since I stopped dividing things into "I like this and Mina likes that and I'm like this but Mina's like that" and accepted that all of it is me; that the two sides are not separated like I first thought, but connected (for better or for worse :P ). Maybe give that a try :)

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The best advice I can offer is to try it out, somehow, safely. Live the fantasy for a while. Your subconscious might be intrigued enough to bring it to the fore while your conscious mind goes WTF, but until you actually experience it, you'll never know whether it's just a mental flight of fancy, or the way you've always wanted to go but never allowed yourself to realize.

And by all means, be sure you're keeping any significant others in the loop on all of it.

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Kayfabe, At the very least you have some need to express the female within you. Fighting that would just be a waste of energy. Anyone on here have heard countless people say I'm hanging it up and leaving for good only to have them come back into the fold later. That feminine side within you isn't ever going to go away, it's an integral part of who you are. I'm not saying I know how big a part of you it is, only you can find that out. A lot of time the easiest way is through a therapist. A good one won't try to tell you who you are or should be, they just know the right questions for you to ask and let you work through it to where you're comfortable. You can do it yourself if you can keep an open mind and be honest with yourself. I don't think that I could have.

Just because you're having some confusion doesn't mean you're transgender in any way. Those that take it to it's conclusion are a small percentage of the gender community. I started out a crossdresser and never thought I'd go any further. I transitioned over 25 years ago and don't regret one moment of it. I just had to find my comfort zone and when you find yours you'll know it. Try exploring it and look for that spot that makes you happy, you know when your happy.

Hugs,

Freta

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Thanks for all the comments, I am trying to work it out still and I imagine I will be trying to work it out for some time.

I got the old pink nightie I own out of the cupboard last night and slept in it for the first time in a long time and it felt good. Not sure if that says anything but It was nice.

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Well my friend, as you well know when I was transitioning I found my bliss as a girl with my FTM-ish partner :) Both of us were in the roles we really should have been in and both of us happy and comfortable with that. And Freta is right- like being ABDL this is something that doesn't go away in you.

Give yourself some playtime with this- become 'the girl' for awhile. If Alice can play along in the role you need her to be that would be great as long as she's comfortable doing that. If not maybe you two can go do some 'girl' things together even if you're outwardly looking the 'guy'. By doing you'll get a better feel for where it is you want to go with this and maybe even how far you want to go. We're all gender-fluid to some degree same as we're all not 100% gender-binary; there's always something from "the other side" that people like even if only slightly. It is the way we're supposed to be B)

I've been feeling similarly for a couple days, yearning some for a life I used to live, knowing that I'm sort of living a lie in my everyday life, and wearing nighties, skirts, and dresses here at home far more than I usually do. I've gotten used to these episodes. I know I can't do what I want to and I know there's a line I cannot allow myself to cross if I want the ability to come back to my current lifestyle. When I stopped my transition I was (and still am) fully aware that those overpowering feelings I could not control could return- indeed that they probably would- and I'd have to pick up where I left off. I just need to get things in my life arranged to where I can do that successfully, which I cannot do right now :(

Some feelings you just can't "bottle up" and put away without consequences. Those strong feelings will simply build up until you explode out of control. I handle them by giving them a controlled venting- room to play- so that they don't become more than I can handle. So if you have a need find a way to fill it well enough to handle it and life afterward. Pursue your bliss or you'll never know the happiness you should. And happiness is what life is all about, especially when you can share it with a partner. Make a plan and "get girly" if you want to. Just go and enjoy life as best you can ;)

Bettypooh

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Well... Me and Alice talked today and she is buying me a skirt and female pyjama set.

I have to say I am feeling really embarrassed about it but I am pretty sure this isn't just a fetish related thing...

I'm hoping after I try this stuff on it might help me decide who or what I am.

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Well the stuff arrived and it fit nicely... I've been sitting around all day in a skirt. There was no big revelations but I do feel very comfortable.

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I knew there was something more to my gender-related issues than crossdressing when I realized that wearing women's clothes just felt right for me somehow. It was my starting point for the further revelations I would discover about myself and how I had spent a lifetime denying and repressing the "real me" :( I still have to handle the repression part, but I'm no longer in denial and that is what keeps me sane. I have a decent if not ideal life this way, but every now and then I have to make room for something more than my current "usual" or I'll go nuts. It's all choices, some of which you cannot control without dire consequences when you err in choice. As long as you are aware of what you're doing and how it may affect your life you will likely make the good choices ;) And this doesn't necessarily have to be a permanent choice- in time you'll know with more certainty where you're at and where you're going, than all you have to do is plot a course to get there B) With a bit of luck you'll make it to your nirvana.

Bettypooh

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To give an update, I have shaved off my facial hair and also what little chest hair I have and am considering arms and legs (need more shaving gel!) Alice and me are also looking at false breasts (the inserts, not surgery) and bras... Still no idea where this all leads but I have a way to go yet.

I would like to try makeup but I'm not sure I could be bothered with the hassle. Alice doesn't bother with it and I probably won't either except to maybe try some lipstick.

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Good silicone-filled breastforms aren't cheap (or at least they weren't when I bought my last pair- a bargain deal at $200US) :o The previous ones were $325. There were some cheaper ones back then which were OK in appearance but too firm under pressure. Though not designed for it these could be attached, the ones with a sturdier back made for that cost about 50% more. I'm talking a dozen years ago- I have no clue what such things cost now but it was a huge chunk of money back then :rolleyes: A cheap and easy substitute is bird seed in the toe of a nylon stocking tied shut. They can be shaped well but if squished they hold the new shape making for an emergency trip to the loo for reshaping :lol:

Oh the memories of all I went through- it's a lot easier to laugh at it myself from this end rather than then. I can't say about make-up over there, but here it's kept as minimal as possible- the natural look is still in style with eyeliner getting a little heavier and with older women more vivid eye shadow also returning. I could never select the right stuff at first, and my well-intentioned friends didn't do much better. It was only me finding a "Mary Kay" cosmetics dealer that got my appearance right- light mascara (I have heavy lashes so not much needed), a bit of foundation, a light dusting of powder (I have oily skin), a trace of rouge, and some mellow-toned lipstick. At first I thought it wasn't enough but when people saw me after that they all thought I looked great (well for what I had to work with anyhow). I even had girls asking me for make-up advice :roflmao: For me it was kind of like jewelry- the perfect 'accessory' done with taste and grace to perfection. What started as a one hour ordeal ended up with me being able to do my face in about 5-7 minutes time. Since my goal was passing it had to be perfect and it was the second-hardest skill I had to develop, only my voice was harder to get right. You don't have to spend a fortune but most of the cheap cosmetics look cheap and trashy. You'll soon find where to cut costs and where not to. Done well the change is amazing; done poorly you'll look worse than a back-street drug-addicted tart :o

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