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A-Sexual


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Now I short time ago I finally came to the conclusion, after years of struggling with my sexuality, that I'm a-sexual. If you don't know that simply means that I lack sexual interest in either sex. I'm not really sure what took me so long to figure it out but it took me the best of four years to do so. Sexuality has not been a particularly fun ride for me, not only being a strong DL but self-perceived homosexuality which caused depression and a subsequent keeping of a tight lip and only recently actually taking to anyone about anything ever, about just under a year ago. I believe I'm a-sexual for multiple reasons, I've spent what must be hundreds of hours, many of which is lost sleep, thinking about it and here’s an overview: From a very young age, like single digits, I've been 'interested' in DL. Its been a strong, potent, omnipresent attraction which I'm content with and understand, I've never had even a shadow of the same attraction to another person, object or act in my living memory. Many times I've been asked questions like "What’s your top three hottest people on the planet" and I really don't have a top three ten or one. Its just not something I've ever really thought about. In response I normally just rattle out a couple of the common ones like rihanna blah blah blah.

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We have a contingent of Asexuals aboard this site, I am nearly that way myself :mellow: Sex means little to me though relationships do, and that has been the main reason I've had few intimate relationships that even made it past a week. It seems the world places a high value on sex when I don't :whistling: My preference tends toward girls and I've never made out with a guy, but if the right person comes along I would take them as a soulmate whoever they are. It certainly is a different perspective on life to be sure ;) I still like to look at pretty girls and a rare handsome guy but not with a view of having sex with them like most do :rolleyes:

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Sometimes you won't find definitive answers (and drinking rarely makes anything better for very long ;) ). It is better to try to understand yourself with acceptance that what you feel (or don't feel) is legitimate and totally right for you :thumbsup: It may not be how most people are but that does not automatically make it bad. Being asexual does bring along unusual issues. I can't count the times when someone thought I was Gay simply because I have been here over 50 years without getting married, or having children, or even having a relationship that lasted more than a few months. While I have no problem with that myself, it does bug me that others perceive me this way when the truth is far from their perception. And likely well beyond their comprehension too :lol: So I just cast that aside and go on with my own life. Even though what others think does have an effect on my life, it is my choice whether I will change myself to change their perception- and I choose not to do that. Screw their opinions of me- I give them no value therefore to me they do not matter :P

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Well that's the problem. I don't really understand who I am. I seem to randomly develop interest in people and then that intreast seems to fade away. I've tried developing a relasionship myself but nothing came of it. I liked her as a friend but as much as I tried I couldn't get her to be anymore than that. I'll meet a person, have no interest in them at first, then slowly become interested just to get cold feet and the feeling goes away. I can't get to feel natural with a person if its anything more than a friendship and pressuring it seems to have very much the negative effect. I'm tried of running around in circles and what I really need something to work out but I can't see anything in sight. And It's really REALLY starting to bother me...

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Perhaps you are trying too hard. People who truly like you will be attracted to you and introduce themselves to your life- you don't have to actively seek them though it helps :) In being yourself you make that process easier for them. People change over time so who you are today will not be the person you are ten years from now :huh: Finding yourself is a process of discovering what you like, what you don't like, and what doesn't matter to you either way :whistling: Most of the time you already know these things, but sometimes you don't- and that is when you should try the new things to see whether you like them or not. Just be safe in your experimenting for there are consequences to everything you do in life.

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I REALLY need to find someone to love. I crave it. But I just don't know what conditions need to be met to enable that to happen. :(

I'm scared that I'm going to places like drepression and alcoholism and can't see an escape route. I'm trying to make changes and I've been thinking about talking to some friends about it but I just can't muster the strength. Something needs to change cos otherwise something in me gonna break, I can feel the slow inevitability.

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Oh how well I know that feeling- it's lonely as he!! being like I am, and about all I can do is be with friends and family and try to meet people where I can in hopes that somebody will 'click' with me. I am not any good at dating with my gender issues- you can count yourself lucky for not having to deal with this ;) What you might want to try is to start with meeting people who you might like. Join local groups concerned with your personal interests like reading, dining out, movies, hobbies, PC's or Mac's, or whatever. That gives you somewhere to start conversations you feel comfortable having. If you find someone who interests you, share something with them even if it's only knowledge, offer to do lunch together someday, ask them to help you with things you are having problems with on the topic which brought you together. Develop relationships B) There is something of an art to doing this but the more you try the better you become with it, and the better your results will be. As the relationship develops, look for clues of how interested they are in you. Give them the benefit of doubt, be concerned for their feelings and beliefs even if yours are different. Treat them as you would want to be treated if you were in their shoes :D And be forgiving- that is very important because no human is perfect or always right, not even you or me :blush: Open your own mind to the possibilities they show you, to the things they like, to their points of view. You may learn something or find something that brings you even closer together. Don't push the relationship along, let it grow or stagnate as it will at it's own pace :whistling: And if you find it going nowhere then bow out of the picture quietly and gracefully, keeping that friend (who may bring the person you want into your life later on) but looking for what you seek elsewhere. Keep the effort up until you find who you need :biker_h4h:

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Betty, well said. We have a word in our house for those that are constantly having sex: "Hormone Poisoned". Also applies when stereotypical sex role models are being fulfilled. As we get older, the hormones diminish and there is usually less need for what is thought of as conventional sex. And sex really is only a small part of life.

Penguin,

Depression is a serious illness that can kill you. The bottle will make it worse. Pills may not make it better. What the shrinks are coming to is that sexuality is all over the place, and it's only a problem when it (or more usually your lack of self-acceptance of it) is interfering with the rest of your life.

As Betty says, you are who you are, and there is nothing wrong with your feelings or lack of them. You will never fulfill the stereotypical advertising-generated image of who you are supposed to be. Noone does, and the one person I know who tries is having very serious problems right now. I would want to talk to a sympathetic doctor about whether your sexual equipment is or is not working properly; it is very important to take care of your body. I would also recommend, as will your doctor, that you get regular exercise, which will help with the depression.

All humans are social creatures, and need constant contact with others. It's no accident that all of the recent highly publicised mass murders have been carried out by folks who were isolated. Keep up your friendships, find new ones with people that are doing things you enjoy doing, whatever that may be. Try new things. Go volunteer at the theater, join the crew... and don't forget to laugh and enjoy yourself.

Good luck, keep posting here!

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This thread has made me realize something fundamental. if you find yourself totally not interested or scared even of having sex with a woman but you actually crave and are excited for the same with men. you are gay. not bi sexual and not straight and not asexual. im still trying to accept that. the fact i enjoy the companionship with woman but not sex again is a typical gay identifier. I have identified as straight pretty much my whole life except for a year when i identified both as a bisexual man and gay. that was the funnest year but I stopped because i missed the companionship of woman and I felt the immense feeling of loss. mostly due to the fact I want more kids and because society does a good job of ingraining the norman rockwell white picket fence and all american dinner table in our brains. you do feel like you will miss out. i know many gay men have kids and amazing families but at the same time many dont. so i must get beyond all these feelings before I will truly be happy. thank you OP!

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kevinc, who says that you have to choose a category? Or even that your specific category exists? IMHO for every person there is an individual sexuality and gender- no two people are alike :thumbsup: And that often changes over time or with experience ;) So just go after what you want today and forget the rest. If someone asks and you want to give them an answer just say "I am me and I don't identify by that" or tell them to go get stuffed for asking too personal a question :P If it is someone you're attracted to then you will know what to say to keep the door to you open for them should they want to get to know you better :D And hopefully they will take advantage of that chance B) You don't need a category and it's label unless you want that :girl_happy:

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@Dill_Pickle

Oh I know about depression and its dangers. Having 'experienced' it before, studied it in education and an old friend lost his father to it, I know how destructive it can be. I'm no where near that place yet but left alone to my thoughts I nearly always find myself thinking about stuff and try as I might I can't seem to shake it off. So I've talked it though with a couple of people which is hard since I'm really not the 'heart on my sleeve' kinda guy. Every time I really get into it I start wishing for a glass that isn't there. It makes no sense but hey, I didn't think it would. Not anymore.

Religion saved me last time so I'm putting my faith in god once again to bring me out of this hole I seem to have dug myself. And it's worked for the most part, I realised that I hadn't just stopped for a long time now and something about singing hymns relinquished a sort of peace. Say what you want about religion but never question its ability for healing, I can personally vouch for it.

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Penguin:

I have just received my copy of the WRAP books (Wellness Action Recovery Plan). One of the things it reminded me of is that it is better to have more tools, so don't rely exclusively on any one tool. Get more! I'd also look up the "mood Gym" program, australian.

As for religion, I promise you, just as in the bible, there are some seriously evil people around who proclaim they are religious. Most are just folks, and not evil, though some may be quite narrow-minded, and I promise you that you need the connection to other people, in person, that it offers. Go for it!

Kevinc:

I identify publicly as a male heterosexual. However, I also found myself very attracted to a certain guy, because he and I saw eye-to-eye on a lot of issues, and were comfortable discussing sex and kinks. Had I not been in a romantic relationship with the woman who is now my wife, I would have gotten into one with him.

Similar results happen in all-male environments such as submarines -- the need for sex gets stronger than the usual tendencies, and all kinds of homosexual relationships happen that would not otherwise.

Forget the labelling, it is not important. Taking care of yourself, keeping close relationships with others, whoever they may be, that is important.

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