Why?

[Guest Anonymous Guest]

Why am i here? Why did i get into this in the first place? Why can i purge it all and then find myself back here?

I feel disgusting and cheap after i wear diapers. I feel perverted. It's so wrong. But, i know i'm not perverted, at least i think i'm not. I dunno, i guess i am just confused. Can anyone help me understand this? Do i need to get some psychological help?

[locke]

Your not the only one whos shared those feelings, id say try to think of it as a positive thing, having another thing in life you enjoy is neat... sorta like finding out you love to ice skate... or hunt wild hippos. Ive had the same feelings, but i keep it all hidden very secretly ... sometimes im worried if i drink too much i might start blabbering about it, since ive done some very very foolish things in the past while intoxicated... lets just say no one is curious about what i look like naked...

[Bones]

I think it's pretty safe to say that most of us that have this need/fetish have felt as you do at some stage in their lives. Probably on more than one occasion.

"Why am I here?"

Because you need to speak to someone and you wont be ridiculed here

"Why did I get into this in the first place?"

Who knows? Some people it's a reaction to childhood abuse sexual or physical. Some were disciplined with diapers and found they liked it. Some just like it and have to have it. Some have to for medical reasons.

I have read/heard on more than one occasion that certain preferences are formed at a very young age. Approx 2 - 3 years I think. Maybe something happend in this time that caused you to fixate on your diapers a source of security.

You're pretty much the only one qualified to figure out what brought you to this point.

"Why can i purge it all and then find myself back here?"

Because you are who you are and you need what you need. You need to find a way to deal with that because denial of who you are and what you need will get you nowhere.

"I feel disgusting and cheap after i wear diapers. I feel perverted. It's so wrong. But, i know i'm not perverted, at least i think i'm not. I dunno, i guess i am just confused."

Youre not perverted. Defenately different but not perverted. As to feeling disgusted and cheap. No answers there I am afraid. Still suffer those feelings myself from time to time. Particularly if I happen to catch a glance of myself in a mirror.

"Can anyone help me understand this?"

Google is your friend. Run some searches on Infantile or infantilism to find links to the more medical side of understanding things. Do some AB DL searches for other sites like this and read about other peoples experiences and writings on what they believe led them to this point.

Ive also found it good to read the fantasy sections as well.

"Do i need to get some psychological help?"

That depends. What do you think a psychologist might do for you? Personaly I dont think they can do anything more for you than what you can do for yourself.

In the end. Its up to you to decide if you need that help........ I dont think you do. Think you probably need to read a bit more and then look inside for a while and learn how to accept who you are.

The way I see it is this. When I am finally lying on my death bed, the only person that needs to be satisfied with the way I have lived my life, is me. If something makes me happy and harms others none, then why shouldn't I indulge? I'm only going to live once..... or if I do get reincarnated I'm still not going to remember anything from this life so I am still only going to live once.

I was recently faced with two options. Run from my life leaving all those I know and love or tell my partner the true extent of my need to wear diapers. Previously all I had told here was that I liked to wear them sometimes and occaisionly wanted to have sex in one. When its more of a case of, If I could wear them all day every day I would. I have also recently discovered I like sucking on a dummy (pacifier), more so than I would have thought.

So anyway. I chose to tell my partner. I told her the day I went out and bought the dummy. Fortunately I was blessed with total acceptance. Then later, when we went to bed, my dream finaly came true and my partner put my diaper on for me while I sucked on my dummy.

I have to admit, this acceptance from her has gone a long way toward helping me deal with the whole self hate thing. Before it I was having quite a bit of trouble, hence feeling the need to bolt from all those I care about.

Havn't felt "disgusted and cheap" since my talk with my partner but it's only been a week so I'm still not sure if my new acceptance of myself is temporary or permanent. I think/hope it is permanent.

Having (thus far) found acceptance of myself , I still don't think there is a need to share it with anyone else (family/friends) aside from my partner. I dont tell people what color undies I wear or how often I masturbate so why should I tell them I like to wear diapers and be a bit of a baby sometimes.

I still reckon that my needs are a bit wierd but others have worse. I mean, some people feel the need to mutilate their own genitals. Seriously... how fucked up is that? "I'm so horny right now, I'm gonna chop my dick off!" compared to that us diaper wearers are completely normal

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

[Kinomi]

Hi, it's me, "Anonymous Guest." I was kind of freaking earlier, i am sorry. Although i still have all of these questions.

I've been trying diapers on and off since i was 15. The self-destructive and expensive, buy a lot of stuff, throw it all away, feel the urge again, buy all the same stuff over, purge... that's me. Recently, i got frustrated and tried to find other people to talk with so i checked out a site called "dpf." It was ok, but i was stupid and signed up on their roster... with my phone number... So now i get calls, which would be ok, if they weren't all creepy old men. Here's the kicker though, i can't find a way to take my info off of the site. So now i have the same guy calling me every friday and saturday night who sounds like a serial killer. He leaves me disturbing messages in a broken voice. I'll probably have to change my number

Is this just a bad experience? I was so desperate to get answers that i put my # on the internet and i get sex-crazed old men... I was looking for someone normal to talk with and i got that.

I still feel weird about wearing though. I mean, I don't have the personailty for this. I am a logical, deep-thinking, and caring person. Why can't i figure this out? I also think i look rather ridiculous, I'm not fat, but i am six feet tall.

If this is me "regressing" due to stress, i can sort of understand it. I am always worrying about something. I am diagnosed with bi-polar (genetic )and i always have anxiety, even though i'm not diagnosed with that one. I still don't understand why i would choose this as a way to deal with stress though. Is this really a stress-reliever?

I've done some reading online these years trying to understand it. But i need something more personal i think. The internet can be a cold resource.

[Bones]

Dude...... you put your Phone number on the net ?! Not the best move I've heard of.

I too am a logicaly thinking person. I have known something was different with me since I was about 7 or 8, when I used to go for walks on my grandpa's farm with a huge wad of toilet paper stuck down my pants, which I would later piss into ( with abysmal results)

My first thought of actually wanting to wear a diaper was when I was about 4 or 5 or 6. Cant remember exactly. I just remember where we lived and I know that when we lived there I was going to school.

Mum said no cos I was too old. So later I went and pinched one and stuffed it down my trackies and pissed into it. After that I didn't know what to do so I put it back in the drawer. Doh!

Aaaany way. Sometime around 11-13 I developed a fetish for womens products. Which lasted up untill I found a way to put 2 infant diapers together and tape them on. Obviously the sanitary fetish was simply a replacement for diapers. Think I was about 19 when I brought my first pack of infant nappies. Wasnt untill about 26-27 that I found a place in New Zealand that I could comfortably buy adult sized diapers from. For some reason I just cant bring myself to buy them from a pharmacy.

Through that whole time I never have understood what it is that drives me to do this.

Yes, I was abused as a child. By my mothers first husband. I only have a couple of fragments of memories of this time available to me which makes it that little bit harder to work things out.

My current theory is; As physical abuse can leave cuts and bruises on the outside, so too can it leave cuts and bruises on the psyche. My body has automated repair systems that allow it to recover from such treatment, usually without a trace. My psyche probably has auto repair systems too. But, just like my body, some damage is too severe to heal properly and so I am left with scars.

Close as I can figure those "scars" are probably centered around security and how I could not feel safe in my home with my family. The only place I felt sort of secure was squased down in the gap between the end of my bed and the wall. That was a tenuous feeling at best, and so now, when there are things going on that I don't want to deal with, I have a powerful urge to squash myself into a corner behind a door or hide under my desk. Not an acceptable form of dealing with things for someone who manages 15 other people for a living. Lol .... If only they knew....

So, I figure, given all that I have read, that my urges are there to help me overcome what I suffered and regain that which I lost. My sense of security. It's my thought that maybe oneday I'll get to a point where I no longer need this in my life.

Right now though, its working wonders. Since I spilled the entirety of my needs to my partner and have had them indulged I am a much more stable person, I haven't had a fit of rage in days. Usually I have at least one a day. Usually when driving. And I just seem to be more at peace with myself. The external acceptance from the person closest to me has helped me to accept myself better and has reduced my internal conflict.

I also feel that I look rediculous in all that attire. My solution is don't look

As for the website. Contact the admins and let them know about the harrasing phone calls and I'm sure they would take the details off for you. And contact your telecomms provider and see if you cant have those numbers already calling you, blocked.

Question for you. When you 'purge' and try and stay away from the diapers, do you have dreams that make you want to wear them again?

If i try to ignore it for too long i wind up having the most horriffic nightmares. Which I wont go into now cos thats easily as much writing as these last 2 posts have been.

Anyways, hope something up there ^^^^^^ helps in some small way.

[Kinomi]

First, I'd like to thank you for spending as much time as you have talking to me. It brings me some comfort.

It's funny you should ask about the dreams, because, yes, i do. I guess it's common? I'll have a dream about wearing like, once a month or so.

And yes, i know, it was a really stupid idea. I was just thinking that at the time, the only people that would see it were those who went to that site and were in my area. If i was right or wrong doesn't make a difference now, but i have learned my lesson.

[littleone]

Don't feel stupid about posting your number. We all make mistakes - just do what you need to do to fix it (ie changing your number), and move on.

I'm glad we're talking about our personal feelings on this matter - I'm new here, but definitely not new to the ab/dl interest. I've loved diapers and all things ab since I can remember, actually. Not that it's necessarily gotten any easier, mind you - my husband doesn't quite understand what I'm talking about (and probably won't ever indulge me in my fetish, considering he'd be the one to play the submissive role, for the most part), and, outside of him and a couple of good friends, I pretty much keep the matter to myself.

However, it must be said that I strongly feel that there is absolutely no harm in the ab/dl lifestyle. I'm amazed that more people haven't embraced it, frankly. Being able to let go of responsibilities, worries and care in favor of being cuddled, doted upon and adored - what could make more sense? I have long fantasized about having a male ab to love and tend to, and feel no guilt about that. I may never be able to live out that fantasy, but just the enjoyment of the thought itself is wonderful.

And yes, there was a time that I felt entirely alone - when I was in my early teens, the interest came back (it would come and go from when I was about 4 to about 23 - now I have accepted it fully), not only did I worry that I was totally alone in my desires, but I worried that I actually had pedophilic leanings. In my heart I knew this wasn't the case, but the whole infantilism thing just scared me. Once I came to accept (and research) my ab/dl interest, I came to realize that I wasn't alone, and that I was really quite normal.

Don't worry, Kinomi - you have nothing to worry about. This is a natural love that we all have, and is totally harmless. Just embrace it, and accept who you are with openness and calm. Best of luck.