Abuse?

[little un]

hi

interesting thread... I too was emotionally, physically and sexually abused... remember being beaten and humiliated for bed and pants wetting.... I wet the bed up until i was 16 but was never made to wear nappies.. it was often threatened and was hugely shameful at the time.. Over the years I have had a lot of therapy,and have had a lot of good people in my life and I feel reasonably OK now about my experiences.

Yes. Forgiveness. Interesting question. Sometimes I think we hear that as an order. You must forgive.. and of course that just doesn't work.. For me I wanted to be free of all the pain, the anger, the rage, so that's what helped with my healing... and in the process you reclaim the experiences and get control again your emotional response.... my abusers have receded into the category of normal, screwed up human being... if that is what forgiveness is then Im some way down the track... but it is NOT possible to just forgive without going through the process of healing. People say you must forgive like it is something we can do on the spot! Forgiveness is never about making someone else whiter than white. When we do harm we live with the consequences in our lives.. so people who abused us deeply harmed us and in some way i believe their lives are marred by it to. Forgiveness for me is simply wanting to be free of all the pain and crap...

love to you all you have had these experiences too... so helpful knowing that im not alone as a child who was abused, a child who wet her pants and her bed, and an adult who is just coming to terms with being a diaper / nappy lover and getting alot of comfort out of wearing them in the evenings.

[DiaperBoyKR]

Growing up, I was fairly fortunate, I was never abused by either of my parents, or by any other adult that I knew. Even when I had my bedwetting problems my mother at least addressed it with love and care instead of emotion and punishment. My Dad didnt really look at it the same way, but he was always fairly detached from the family for reasons I would find out later. On the other hand, he never really threw it in my face either.

Emotionally, I had some problems some othershere have already mentioned, the standard high school bullshit. I was a sterotypical "nerd" and I was overweight, and not really into sports. Also all the way through high school, I was never really interested in dating, so of course on top of my other "stigmas" I had to be gay (at least in the eyes of the jocks). At the time, I just really wasnt into dating at all, but it wore on me a little bit, but nothing I couldnt really handle.

Overall, I was fairly fortunate. I have to agree with you guys that weren't though....there are some things that can't be forgiven. Even though I was never abused, I still cant forgive my father for some of the emotional things he did to my mother in the last few years they were together, and for the way he just discarded the family and left. I talk to him quasi-regularly now, but I still cant let what he did go. I can imagine its even worse for those who were actually abused. I would NEVER suggest that you could unless you find that somewhere down the line you can.

[care_a_lot]

My abuse started when I was 15 or at least the abuse that I remember. I was beaten and verbally abused by both my stepmother and my father and I would dream of being taken away from it all by a beautiful woman who would stop them from hurting me. Hold me in her arms and call me her little baby girl and tell me that everything was safe.

What I found out in later years is that due to my father and mother always yelling when I was younger and me having hearing problems what noise I did hear really, really hurt. My mother was the one who would hold me in her arms and tell me that I was safe and that she'd never let anything hurt her baby. My need to return to those times is what kept my sanity during those rough times. I would imagine what it would be like to have her gather me in her arms and tell me that she loved me. I would dream this so vividly that sometimes I swear I could feel her arms around me.

Sexual abuse I don't clearly remember but whenever I get close to a guy or a guy flirts with me I have a vivid memory of my father playing in my head. Where he was sitting against a fence and reached over towards me kissing me on the lips. Then he started touching me. I don't remember any more. But when a guy is close to me I do remember it. That is why I'm a lesbian. I return to my "mommy's" arms and I'm safe from any man trying to hurt me.

[babyfozzy]

I was subject to abuse when i was about 10 from an older girl. It only happened once, and if i explained it some might even say it wasnt abuse, but it affected me for the rest of my life, even after councelling sessions I still have PTSD about, almost daily.

[jenniebear]

While there was little physical abuse that occured. My parents were emotionally distant starting after i left the toddler stage...probably about 4 years old. Unil then i'd slept in a crib in my parents room, been doted on like a princess and was a cherished daughter... Then came the day (even though i was so young i can still remember it...early evening, my father leaving for work and me crying because he'd not given me my nightly kiss goodbye/goodnight) my mother told me that she and my father could no longer give me kisses, or hugs...and no more sitting on adults laps...i was to big for any of that stuff anymore. It left me feeling alone, unloveable and like there was something totally abhorant about me that no one could love me....

i was fed, clothed, provided for...but there was no warmth or affection, and i was always made to know that i was a disapointment...i was never pretty enough, smart enough, or good enough for my father...my mother always made sure to tell me so...

My father basically ignored me...course he worked nights, long hours and slept all day...this made his weekends completely turned around so he mostly spent all my waking time asleep...don't get me wrong...i know he was providing for his family the best he could...and i respect this....but what he sacrificed in the name of providing for his family can never be reclaimed...

My parents were old school (40 years old when they had me in 1965)...they provided a roof over my head, the things i needed like clothes, shoes, and basic toys, but there was no time for games or fun, no sports, no ballet, no affection....and i spent a lot of time alone (my two brothers were actually out of our parents home by the time i was 4 or 5 years old)

After i was an adult with a life of my own, still a dutiful daughter, my oldest brother (by 16 years) began to push questions about our upbringing...and my parents would ask me things like...did you have a good childhood....etc...I never wanted to hurt them so i'd always just say yes.....but then when i was about 35 or so...almost from out of the blue....i began to have feelings of anger and frustration over my marraige, life, etc..........and i started to feel real anger towards my parents.....

i've since grown to accept who they were..are...and will always be..........at age 85...i don't think they will change much

right now the hardest thing for me is when my father and my fiance enjoy each others company and spend time together at my prompting ...ironically at my need to be dutiful ....i dont know if i'm jealous or not ....but ... i become so hurt....that my fiance can only see my father as a good man and father he appears as now................and i don't want my fiance to hate my father ...but it hurts to think of how he was compared... to who he's become.......and that my fiance can't know what he was and can only wonder at my anger or frustration towards him.....

normally i don't like to spend time focused on these things...i know others have experienced much tougher times in their lives that aren't even comparable......but i do think what i experienced definitely has a direct correlation to who and what i am today............especially my abdl interests....

[Guest Sissy Haji]

erm can I ask whats to gain from this thread?..

I was never abused thought I did know a friend that was.

[angelbrat]

I was never really abused, I mean. I don't really know if I see it that way or not. But ever since I knew how to talk, I was always the caregiver in me and my moms relationship. (I never had a dad, so I dunno about that part) I mean, I had the stuff I needed, and my mom worked or got disability or whatever. But emotionally I still had to take care of her, be it depression, or one of her mood swings where she'd get violent, or she worked superhard and needed the house clean and dinner made. and I'd have to tell myself that she still loves me even though she said I was a huge bother or whatever. Or her "sugar daddy" (Yes, I knew what he was, my mother told me on several occasions that's how she got money sometimes) touching me in places I didn't like, or making yucky comments to me and me not being able to say anything because he might leave and she'd be really mad. Or having to deal with yet another boyfriend of hers who hit her, and having to chase him off or call the police. I mean, she hit me sometimes, but usually only if I mouthed off or whatever. Other then that, I think it was mostly..not being able to be a kid, y'know?

[elondria]

I'm just gonna post my answers:

Were you abused as a child?

Yes - Physically

Yes - Sexually

Yes - Emotionally

If abused, was wetting/messing a stated reason for abuse?

Yes - Bedwetting

Yes - Night Soiling

Yes - Pants Wetting

Yes - Pants Soiling

Do you feel your abuse relates to your AB/DL lifestyle today?

Yes - Need to escape

Yes - Feel the need to re-abuse myself

Yes - It's what I know

Yes - Reminds me of only "happy" times in life.

Yes - Other Reasons

[Inky_Wonky]

I forgot to say I was raped by my brother when he and I were teens brothers. Some people might consider it exploration, but I don't see it as such because my brother did it too me and I really wasn't ready for him to do what he did to me. I wanted him to stop, but he didn't. To this day says that he'll deny that it ever happened, and my family is at a point of not wishing to pick sides at this point, so feel isolated from my family on this issue.

[needsabeating18]

I was sexually, emotionally, and physically abused as a child all the way into about a year ago. My parents were both alcoholics and druggies with bipolar disorder so I pretty much raised myself. I remember back when I was in diapers any time I messed my diapers I was slapped around so as soon as possible I was potty trained. But after that I just got abused for no reason.

I don't really know why I wear diapers now... my mind is too difficult to figure out (I have quite a few mental disorders). Perhaps some of it has to do with my past...

(@ Inky I was raped by my brother as well, at a much earlier age he's the same way... it was never mentioned after that night and he pretended it never happened)

[Schala]

1. Yes, physically and emotionally - by bullies, all the time.

2. Didn't need a reason / No reasons given. But apparently I was too feminine (I was seen as male - at school anyways, where they knew my legal info), too small, too smart and too alone.

3. Yes, need security.

I almost answered "Only happy times in my life", but I don't remember those times.

[Vic]

Well my story isn't that different than most here.

My Father was ex-military, and then he became a cop. I can only assume what his upbringing was. My Mother was raised by an alcoholic Mom, and a molesting Dad, so she had been subjected to a lot of abuse herself.

Sure I was beaten by both parents for peeing the bed, but I was beaten for a lot of other things too. And I feel that the phsycological abuse was worse than the physical abuse was. I had four siblings, one sister (who was the oldest) and three brothers.

My brothers and I were very physically abusive to each other, I suppose it was the "tough guy" environment that we were living in. Still with all of this going on I managed to survive, and was still able to empathise with others. To care about people.

The thing that you need to know about forgiving other people is this "you need to do it for YOU!!". It's the only way to get out from under all the baggage of the past. "Just let it go" is something I'd heard time and time again, before it clicked inside of me.

Sure my parents messed up when they raised us, but that's done and over with now, life goes on, it's all water under the bridge. I still love my parents, and I will always love them till the day I die. I had to learn to let these things go, and forgive them, I know that inside they are sorry for the things that they did. But they can't change what has happened.

We all make mistakes, theirs was not knowing how to raise kids properly. They are flawed, they are human, and no matter what has happened they cannot take back the things that they have done, ever! By forgiving them in my heart I was able to let go of the anger, hurt, and misery I was living with.

I felt all of this pain, because I was holding on to it. I was angry and wanted them to fall down on their knees and apologize for their mistakes, but that was never going to happen. So I carried around this burden of pain and suffering with me, and my anger only made me cling to it more desperately. This is no way to live a life.

So I forgave them for these things that they had done. I didn't even need to speak to them about it, it was something I was able to do by myself. As I forgave them, I was able to feel the weight of my suffering leave my shoulders. By hanging on to these negative emotions I was only hurting myself. The terrible way I was beaten one day still burns in my memory, etched there in acid, but to my Dad it was just another Monday.

These hurts that have been carved into your soul, are not shared by them, they don't remember all the things they have done, if they did they couldn't live with themselves. It only lives on in YOU! So be a better person and forgive them, after all you are doing this for YOU! Let it go, and move on to the place in life that has joy and love in it.

Without forgiving you sentence yourself to another day in hell. Why do you want to do that? Just say, what's done is done, and move on. Forgive and let it go.

You will be happier for it. You don't have to speak to them if you don't want to, just forgive them. You don't have to live a miserable life, but if you are it is YOUR own choice to hang on to these painful memories that has put you there.

It's not really an easy choice to make, I know this, but it is one that will allow you to move on with your life. And it's sometimes something you have to work on almost every day until it takes root inside you, but if you practice it it'll get easier.

The pain doesn't all just go away and vanish that easily, you have to work at forgiving until the deed is done. But one day you will wake up and say, "hey I'm a happy guy today". And that's where your goal is. So forgive, and let it go.

Peace,

Vic

[Sophie ♥]

I am fascinated. I was never abused (at least not enough for it to affect me), and it's not that i want to go through everything some of you have... but i wish i could wholeheartedly comprehend your emotions in relation to it. I believe you cant understand people if you haven't gone through what they have, and i make it a goal in life to understand as many people as i can.

I am thankful that I was never abused... but i'm disappointed i wasn't gifted with the ability to help people like this... and knowing i wont ever be able to help upsets me.

As a matter of fact... since i'm into the forced regression scene... some of my roleplays consist of abuse on my psyche or violation sexually... even though I know I have the power to stop it if i really want to, it does give me very slight insights into an abusive realm.

As for forgiveness... although I was never really abused in a defined sense, i had my share of school bullies, people that messed with my mind, and people who would call me gay or make fun of me if i was ever caught "dressing up", and that's probably the reason i'm a closet AB sissy. Even so... i've never held a grudge against any of them. I cant find it in my heart to hate people... and no matter what they do to me, i dont deem myself worthy enough to deserve anything better. My life is pretty good... and i suppose the negative memories just help balance out my optimism. It's not to say that i'm all depressed and miserable and i deserve to be treated poorly, because that's not true... it's just that my life is very good and a few bad things aren't really that big of a deal. And the people who do these bad things... I've already forgiven them before they do it. I really wish i could understand why people would hate others... and hopefully someday i will hate someone too so i know what hate feels like... but until then forgiveness is all I have to offer them.

I hope no one thinks i'm weird. I just like helping people... and experience is the best way to learn how to help...

-Sophie

[Mean Mommy]

...That kind of stuff doesn't come from nowhere--I was probably sexually abused at some point, but my mind has seems to have shut out the specific incident, or maybe it just happened too long ago to remember. Clearly my diaper fixation comes from whatever happened back then...

Anyone who believes in forgiving abusers has probably never been on the receiving end.

You should be very careful assuming something happened to you. I'm not saying that it didn't, but it's a known phenomenon that the mind can fabricate memories. In fact, there was a case where police and parents - suspicious of the local day care - asked kids if they had been abused. Kids have a natural tendency to please adults, and will be susceptible to pressure when interrogated. Anyway, the court couldn't use the childrens' testimonies because they had been strongly influenced by the parents and cops. Also, there was no physical evidence for these reported crimes. In any case, now that the kids are adults, they strongly believe that these crimes did in fact happen.

Also, memory-retrieval therapy has been rejected by the scientific community as a solid practice because the mind has been proven to create memories.

So..just be careful. You could be psychologically messing with yourself.

As for forgiveness, one would think you are doing the abuser a service by forgiving them. But the true power of forgiveness is that it allows the victim to free themselves from the remaining shackles of abuse.

erm can I ask whats to gain from this thread?..

Psychologists are expensive, friends may judge, and family members were most likely involved someway or another. This thread is for people who have suffered to come together and heal without financial or social consequence, I would presume.

As for me? I really don't know. I don't think I was, but there are a lot of questions that form this outline of a story that runs through my life. For instance, I have always been an angry child. I don't exactly know why. I think I have a lot of rage towards my mother, more than is normal. But I suppress it.

I was bullied and would bully others. I used to beat kids up when I was really young. I guess my home life was pretty unstable, what with people walking in and out all the time. I felt repeatedly abandoned.

My mother has always worked hard to give me a good life. But she isn't always upfront with me. There are a lot of secrets between her and I. For instance, I wouldn't be surprised if I learned that I had a brother tomorrow. These are the types of things she keeps from me. I didn't learn about my first name until I was 10 (what I thought was my first name turned out to be my middle name). I didn't realize that my sister had broken off all contact with my family until last winter, which explains why I haven't seen her since I was 6 years old.

Father figures waltzed in and out of my early childhood. For the most part they just wanted to shack up with my mum. I felt betrayed by my mother for choosing this stranger over me and then betrayed again when they broke up after I had finally gotten used to him. When no men were around, it was me and my mum, and I think it was inevitable that she treated me like a companion as well as a child. I would sleep in her bed until she got a boyfriend.

I remember some sexual episodes when I was a kid. I wasn't ready and I never wanted it, but at least it was mucking about with other kids, not adults. There was this one time my mum was sleeping and she wanted me to put my leg between her thighs, to help her sleep. I wasn't comfortable with this but did it anyway. This isn't abuse really, but it did greatly fuck with my head.

My step-father was a military man. And I had a severe learning disability neither he or my mother fully understood. I would be punished for things I couldn't help. I was always fighting with my parents. They would say demeaning things about me when they thought I wasn't listening. They were ashamed of me in front of other people. When I finally would succeed, they seemed to forget all our past troubles and pretend as if they had been rallying me on the whole time. I always felt the physical threat lacing my father's words. Although it never materialized into actual violence, it was always there.

It got so bad they thought I was retarded. When my IQ turned out to be higher than normal, this pleased but also frustrated them. For being so apparently smart I have always always felt like an idiot, by both my parents and my teachers. Only my best friend thought otherwise.

My parents were so insane sometimes. I couldn't deal with them like normal people. I had to monitor their moods and approach them when the timing was right. I had always been spanked when I was little. I think sometimes I was hit or handled rougher than what is appropriate. Or maybe not. I don't know. No one tells you when it's happening that "your mum's boyfriend hit you too hard and now their fighting." I just sort of absorbed it, suppressed it and never asked questions. My mum was in so much pain, I didn't want to hurt her anymore. But I was still so angry.

I think my sadomasochistic tendencies are rooted in my childhood. I also think it's why I don't do ABDL without BDSM. I also think that some of the reasons I am bisexual are due to my upbringing.

[curiositykilledthecat]

To be honest I have long forgiven my poarents and we all have moved on in our lives, rpetenance and all that jazz. I don't hold things against them but alas yeah abuse messes you up, emotional more than anything. As for making people have diaper fetishes, I really don't know but it would be an interssting study.

I understand that it is hard for people to forgive abuse but holding onto the pain and anger will only hurt yourself. There's an old adage of let Go and Let God. Not so easy to do but it took me several years to let go but I'm glad I did. The pain still haunts yah sometimes though, especially when confronting failures and your childhood 'encourahement' comes to mind. I let it fuel me, persever, prove people worng and all that jazz.

The internet- the worlds ;argest and worst psychologist...oh wait, just like real ones.

[Prudie]

I was a quiet, ignored infant who did not speak until her first year. When I did speak, I babbled forth the alphabet before anything else. This was the result of amusing myself by staring at an ABC book that had belonged to my older brothers.

All of my mother's children were ignored, particularly in their infancies. She did not wish to be a mother. She never should have been a mother. She was only a mother because of what society expected. There wasn't a clue in the woman's brain as to how to go about properly raising children.

Had prenatal testing existed while I was in the womb, I would have been aborted solely on the basis of gender. My mother had a tantrum when I was born, saying that she could only have boys and that I must be a boy named Timothy Lars <last name>. The doctors responded by saying that I was most certainly a little girl, and she better name me something else. She only continued to yell, and it was my father who named me.

My brothers were spoiled, but never loved. The brother I am closest to was rejected from our mother in infancy. He was allergic to her milk, and my clueless parents did not realize this for months. When they did finally figure it out, Mother acted as if it were the child's fault and thus the first emotion permanently embedded into his subconsciousness was anger. The first emotion permanently embedded into my own subconsciousness was that of being a let-down, of being a disappointment by simply being myself.

So yes, our mother was emotionally abusive. She wasn't physically abusive, though her own father was to his wife. She did come pretty darn close to being physically abusive. She threatened it frequently enough, and her children all came to emulate this. When angry, she would throw things to the ground and curse us.

Do I like the idea of "punishment" as an adult? Not in the least. I find it repelling. I am the way I am because I need something to make up for the neglect of so long ago and a way to feel gently loved.

All of my siblings are also on some level of the AB spectrum, so to speak, though they wouldn't define it as such and I also do not define myself as an adult baby/child. Thanks a lot, Mother.

I'm so pathetically a product of the way I was raised, or the lack thereof.

[pampers08]

i have been abused emotionaly,psychologicaly and sexualy.and possibly many more ways that you can think of.

my diaper desires started at age 6 when my sister was physicaly abused.

i've never had any trouble with bed wetting or anything.

but i do have nightmares from other abusers in my lifetime

as a result from the abusiveness in my life i am an adult baby

[BabyChristian]

The sad thing with me mine started befor I was even born. My Dad I just dont know,all he new how to do is beat on my mom. I can rember when I was very very young in our trailer when the lights would go out then a BAM and I would no that its my dad beating my mom. I would allways hope he dont hit me. With me my dad would put the fear of God and more in me. My dad did this for years. My mom told me he stoped right before we were born an started back a month after to give her rest an wating for the doctor to give her a clean bill of helth. My dad i feal even raped me durnin my teen to preteen years. The reason I feel this is ever time i have that dream he is telling me about the birds and the bees and in the middle of it I break out into a cold sweet. I can't breath and things like that. When I wear a diaper it makes me feel like i can do something an that i am somebody. I want to say to the millions of kids out there YOU DONT HAVE TO TAKE IT. Tell your Friends,Nebhiors any one you can to get HELP. You dont have to be a statistic.

[Cortana]

I strongly believe that my history of abuse plays a big part in my need to escape into the AB/DL world. It is about security and comfort for me... a way to escape.

[curiositykilledthecat]

Physical and emotional abuse a plenty. I thank God that my parents weren't perverts, could not ever fathom touchinga child. that is beyond f*cked up.

I spent my childhood feeling like I was just a burden so you can imagine the joys i had. Something to be said when you spend 3 months with an ear infection because you're afraid to tell them. The physical abuse was almost comical, especially when my head got stuck in the wall.. and didn't hurt. I look back and laugh at most of this stuff but I guess I can do that or let it consume me. I had to let go for my own sanity and because my parents apologized to me. They both were part of the cycle and neither really knew differently.

[Nat]

I was locked in the bathroom by my nanny when I was 5 years old and so was my little brother. I think she did other things too but I don't remember. I hid in my parents' closet whenever she came over. School was always an escape for me.

I was kicked out of daycare when I was four years old because I was trouble for the person who took care of my age group. I don't really remember what she did but I was always in trouble there and she never wanted to work with me or deal with me. I couldn't talk and I wasn't like the other kids.

I was also bullied by other kids.

So I can't say I was abused as a kid or not because I don't know how to answer it.

[silversnowleopardess]

I think my first couple of years were happy ones, but I lost my mom to cancer (Hodgkin's and melanoma) when I was three. She was ill for the year prior to that, and my sister and I were farmed out to different relatives until after she died. Her parents told me that I had killed her. They were quite bitter, since they had never really approved of her marrying my father. This devastated me, as being only 3 years old, I believed them.

My father remarried a year later, had a few good years with my stepmom. They divorced a few years later, and for a little while we would go visit her...then she decided that it was "too painful for her to see us, as we weren't truly hers". Have never seen her again.

My father would beat us with the belt or even a fishing pole rod when we misbehaved, so I quickly learned to be a "good girl". Even so, nothing I ever did was good enough...his favorite saying was, "you half-assed that!" When I began developing, around age 11...he started his sexual innuendos. His best friend tried to have sex with me that year, but was unable to due to size constraints.

I was raped by my boyfriend just before my 13th birthday. He told me that I deserved it, since I was such a "tease".

When I was 17, my father told me that he couldn't stand to look at me since I resemble my mom so much.

During my adult life, I have never been physically abused, but have been psychologically/emotionally abused in many of my relationships. Cheated on, told that I wasn't "pretty enough", told that I had no worth.

I didn't find my love for diapers until much later in life, just this year at age 41. I dove right in. Diapers represent comfort to me, when I am stressed out or down, putting one on will put me in an instant calm state. I'm thinking it may represent those first years with my mom, though I have no memory of her.

[Pampers65]

When I was 11, I was forced to suck two teen aged boy's cocks. It only happened once and had nothing to do with my AB/DL life, I was already into it before that.

[Nat]

I was bullied and locked in the bathroom when I was 5.

[RandomDL]

i wouldn't call any1 that wasn't abused lucky id just call the abused ones unlucky. i myself have never been abused in any way by any1 although at times i feel that things that happened might as well be abuse. such as when my dad starts talking about something and just wont stop, or when i was annoyed by girls at school that seem to think highly of themselves. im not sexist im just saying that these days it seems that a lot of girls think of themselves too highly and think they can talk however to whoever which is kinda like putting people down and i cant stand people that are like this. it seems to me that the reason why lot of girls annoyed me is because i didnt want to hear their opinions and told them to shut up even going as far as to call them names when they called me names. it would suck if he only person you ever felt loved you was a grandparent of yours whom is old and you dont know how long they have left to live. personally its opposite of how i am i get along with every1 in my family and the person i tend to not like the most is my grandma, i also never liked my oldest brother though because hes always been messed up in the head due to drugs which caused problems way too many times for as long as i can remember. the problem with him has always been that he has chosen drugs over family and would steal our stuff if we werent careful of where we left it. we could never keep anything with him around, he might have stopped a while ago but my parents have never done much that would have possibly helped him, maybe he would have learned his lesson if my parents would let us beat him up which i feel shouldn't be necessary but its probably the only thing that would have straighten him up. the number 1 thing is that to straighten up those that have a drug problem that have to realize that its a problem and actually need to want to get rid of it for the sake of straightening up their lives for the better.