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For a long time I have wanted to be spanked by my wife. It was something I kept deep down inside me because it was acutely embarrassing, even more than wearing diapers. It wasn’t about sex play nor was it some masochistic weirdness that I wanted pain. I’m the same as everyone else in that I really don’t want to be hurt or feel pain but still deep inside me was this chronic need to be spanked. But even as I imagined it I thought of it as a child-like experience not as some sexy adult time. I imagined having my diaper pulled down as I stood embarrassed and silent as mom used her hand to spank me. Or I thought of going over her knee and the humiliation of that. I often imagined being lent over the edge of the bed, diaper down as my wife paddled me long and hard until I began to cry or at least felt like doing so. When I imagine being spanked I feel a real sense of relief wash over me. For years now I’ve not really understood it nor have I sought to be spanked. It was always something I could just never have. But the need continued to burn and frustrate me immensely. My wife was a little bit involved in my diapers and baby ways until recently when she increased her involvement considerably. Then it came up about 2 months ago about spanking. I was beyond mortified about it because she had just read an article on it. I was hopelessly transparent about this feeling of mine and I’d not felt such shame in a long time even when discussing being an adult baby with her which as you all know is like surgery without painkillers. Somehow that experience was mainstream compared to this. She understood far more than I did and a few days later when I was just in my diaper and a baby top she took me to the spare room and pulled down my diaper and wordlessly spanked my bottom about 10 times. After it was over I looked at her and nearly cried. The emotion was overwhelming for us both and as if she could read my mind she smacked me again about the same number but a lot harder. This time the tears flowed freely for us both and for a brief moment in time I felt a release I didn’t know I was hiding. One morning a few days later I awoke in a wet diaper since I wore one to bed and made good use of it. My wife feigned anger at my wet diaper and ‘ordered’ me to bend over the bed. She pulled down my wet diaper and fortunately dried me off and then she used a paddle on my ass for what seemed like a long time but was probably only a minute or two. It hurt a lot and by the end of it I was blubbering and even some real tears. But the tears weren’t from the pain but from the emotional release. Since that time I’ve come to understand why I want the spankings - at least in part. My mom didn’t spank me much which at the time seemed good but as I got older made me wonder if she didn’t care quite as much as she should. When I was caught wearing diapers as a young teen there was just discussion, no spanking. When at 16 I stole diapers and underwear I was grounded, not spanked. When I’ve messed up during my life I’ve been lectured and little more. I know that like so many of us I think like a child in some of my inner emotions and I can recall as a little boy breaking something precious and I expected a spanking but there was none. I was sent to my room and for the next few days I felt very unloved because they obviously didn’t care enough to spank me. I felt like a nobody in that house. When my older sister was spanked for something I thought less serious a week later I knew it. I was unloved. When my wife spanked me that second time all these memories flooded back. And in my marriage I’ve screwed up and of course wasn’t spanked. It’s just not the adult thing to do. But as life goes on I realise I view a great deal of my feelings just as a child does. When I cheated on my wife once some years back she forgave me and we moved on, but I felt guilty about it and remained so. I felt guilty for things I’d said and done all throughout my life and they never really left me in part because I never paid the price for it. It’s the thinking of a child, but hey... that’s me! Over the last year we have begun to belatedly accept that I am a child in more ways than either of us realised. Its more than diapers and baby clothes. It is how I think and react and is a big part of my emotions. When my wife spanked me that second time I felt like I genuinely deserved it - because I did. I am getting spanked from time to time now. As I let more of my inner baby out for her to see she is feeling easier with spanking me for misbehaviour. But we both discovered something about our pasts. One night we were talking and the incident of the one-time cheating came up and it was obvious she still carried hurt from it. We’d both believed it was in the past and buried but it became obvious that it was still there in us both. To make a long story short, she spanked me. It was very, very hard and she let it all out on my ass bigtime. We are very close and we trust each other and as I laid there face down on the bed as she continued to spank me I felt loved and I felt as if I could trust her. I’m glad it was bedtime as I would not be able to sit down but even as it throbbed I felt a sense of peace. Since then we have used spanking to help me over some things in the past. Things I did wrong and still feel shame over. I don’t know if this helps anyone but just in case I am not alone, that is what happened to me and still is.