Hey,
I read your story. I want you to know that you are not alone. I grew up in a cold, non-affectionate home, and I never learned how to be intimate with anyone.
My only escape from stress was to lose myself in my imagination. I would fantasize about being a baby again, sleeping in a crib, wearing diapers.
Later on, I used alcohol, but eventually, that only made it worse. I'm clean now, thankfully.
When I was growing up, (late 50s/early60s), most guys had the John Wayne facade. Violence was accepted, even expected.
As an adult, I was diagnosed Depression (General) Anxiety (General). Now, I have learned to deal with it.
Persist! Live is always worth living. Don't feel that you 'must' do something. Do what you know is right.
God bless,
L